Anderson Cooper Interviews Sarah Palin

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

image for Anderson Cooper Interviews Sarah Palin
CNN's Studio 7-E in The Bronx

CNN's Anderson Cooper, 41, interviewed GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, 44, at CNN's Studio 7-E in the Bronx. Here is the transcript of that interview:

AC: Hello Ms. Palin, first of all let me just say that you look lovely dressed in that pink 'I Love Icebergs' T-Shirt and those tight-fitting Gap Jeans, although personally I think you would look much better in a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans.

SP: Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans...why?

AC: Ahhhh, I guess you don't know...I'm Gloria Vanderbilt's son.

SP: You're kidding. Wow! No, I did not know that, of course there are those who say that there are a lot of things that I don't know including things about foreign policy, the economy, welfare reform, and cooking a meal without using something that didn't use to be an animal.

AC: Okay, if I may Ms. Palin. It is being reported that Joe Biden is saying that he can hardly wait for the vice-presidential debate because he is so looking forward to kicking your 'alluringly adorable Alaskan ass,' and Ms Palin those are his words, not mine.

SP: That's okay, Anderson, believe me at my age I take those words as a compliment. At least he didn't call me 'moose face' or sing that brand new little catchy political rhyme...

AC: Ah, which rhyme is that?

SP: Oh, it's the one that I probably hear about half a dozen times a day...

"Palin, Palin,
smilin' Palin,
but look at the polls
you're trailin' Palin."

AC: I kinda like it. I had not heard that one.

SP: Well, just between you and me Anderson, I heard that Laura Bush made that one up.

AC: Laura Bush? Really?

SP: Yes, Anderson, I don't know why but Laura does not like me. Again, it's probably because I am so damn easy on the eyes. You know, I am going to level with you Anderson. I really like you and not just because you go out there and stand out in them horrible hurricanes and you get all wet, and yucky, and stinky, and you get that nasty, old bacteria-filled, dead fish-smelling saltwater in your hair and up your nose and in your eyes and ears...and heck probably some of that muck and mire even makes it's way into your crotch-region. But, no it's really more than that...much more than that. Anderson you're special, and not just because you have real pretty blue eyes. Or because you're rich-as-hell, or because you have a last name as a first name. And it's also not because your mother is Gloria Vanderbilt, or because your great-grandfather was Cornelius Vanderbilt...

AC: Ah Ms. Palin, I hate to interrupt you, but I heard that there's a hurricane forming in the Carribean and I may have to leave pretty soon. But I want to ask you did you really tell Larry King that there are some women who are not going to vote for you simply because you're real pretty and you have a gorgeous-looking figure?

SP: Yes, Mr. Cooper, that's exactly what I said, and I stand by it because it is the absolute truth. Let me just say this Anderson...yes I'm gorgeously sexy-looking. And yes I'm sensuously attractive, but let me make it abundantly clear that those are not my words, those are Johnny's words. And Anderson, I am also intelligent as well and I want all of your viewers to know that this little old 'Alaskan Queen' is also one very smart cookie. Only last week, I was in Dover, Delaware and my entourage stopped off at a convenience store and I went in and bought a boysenberry-flavored snow cone and while I was waiting for it, I decided to check out my IQ on the IQ checking machine...

AC: The convenience store has an IQ checking machine?

SP: Yes, it was right across from the beer display case. So I put my quarter in, I slipped my right trigger finger into the padded index finger holder and within seconds a piece of paper came out showing that my IQ was 91. And let me tell you Geraldo, I mean Anderson, 91 is a pretty good ol' score whether you live in Anchorage, Alaska; Tegucigalpa, Honduras; Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin; or Anchorage, Alaska...

AC: Ah, Ms. Palin, you mentioned Anchorage, Alaska twice.

SP: No I didn't.

AC: Ah, yes you did, would you like to see the 'replay?'


SP: know, Larry, I mean Anderson, I'm feeling kind of tired, I've been on this campaign trail for quite a long long time...I'm thirsty, I'm hungry...I've been doing dozens of interviews and frankly, right now, you have no earthly idea how much I am missing the hell out of moose blasting?

AC: Moose blasting?

SP: I'm sorry Katie, I meant moose hunting...

AC: That's okay Joe, I'm sorry too, but I have to leave for the airport now...I just got word from Chad Myers that there's a hurricane forming off the coast of Venezuela.

CNN weatherman Chad Myers did confirm that there is indeed a hurricane located just north of Caracas, Venezuela. Hurricane Ling Chow is expected to take a northwesterly course and probably make landfall somewhere between Winnipeg, Canada and Pocatello, Idaho.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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