Red State Americans: Should You Vote?

Written by John Andreini

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

As the presidential election draws near, it's the perfect time to reflect on our duty as citizens to be informed voters. Unfortunately, not everyone who is eligible to vote should vote.

That may sound like heresy in a democracy such as ours, but the fact is that careless, unthinking votes can be more harmful than not voting at all, as recent elections have clearly demonstrated. Think about it. Just because you can hold a scalpel doesn't mean you're qualified to do brain surgery. Likewise, simply because you can pull a lever or punch a chad doesn't automatically make you qualified to vote.

What follows is a self-assessment exercise for potential voters. Through this brief quiz, you will be able to determine whether or not you are mentally fit to cast your ballot for a candidate or referendum. We hope you pass the test, but if you do not, please use the results as motivation to become a more thoughtful, well-informed voter.

The current Vice President of the United States is:

a) Donald Trump
b) Harry Potter
c) Richard Cheney
d) Chuck Norris
e) Flavor Flav

The three branches of government are the executive, the legislative and the…?

a) pituitary
b) olive
c) corporate
d) judicial
e) Christian

The Bill of Rights includes the first 10 amendments to…?

a) the Constitution
b) my will
c) my Master Card bill
d) the Boy Scout oath
e) the Magna Carta

The first amendment to the Constitution discusses the issue of separation of church and…?

a) casinos
b) state
c) reality
d) toxic waste sites
e) his conjoined twin

The President of the United States is also:

a) the parade Grand Marshall
b) a drunk
c) allergic to latex
d) king of the road
e) Commander and Chief of the armed forces

What happens on the second Tuesday in November every four years?

a) Spider monkeys eat their entrails
b) Americans vote for President
c) A solar eclipse
d) The rugs are cleaned in the White House
e) George and Laura do it

Each state has ___ senators.

a) too many
b) 398
c) a shitload of
d) potential
e) two

You have to be at least 4 feet 10 inches tall to vote.


The President's official residence is The _____ House

a) Round
b) White
c) Out
d) Brick
e) Fun

Iraq is in…?

a) the Middle East
b) Middle Earth
c) Midtown Manhattan
d) Chaos
e) Iowa

If you missed any answers, please abstain from voting in the next election. You may retake the test in six months. If you missed 3 or more answers, you are required by law to turn yourself in to the nearest substance abuse or mental health clinic for immediate intervention.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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