It's My Funeral!

Funny story written by PP Rega

Monday, 16 June 2008

image for It's My Funeral!
How my wife will remember me

Recently, I attended a "wake" and it gave me pause. While my life has been devoted to family and service, no small part of it has also been devoted to sarcasm, cynicism, and irony intermingled with equal portions of low- and high-brow humor.

So, while I am reconciled to the fact that I will never have a Viking Funeral a la Kirk Douglas in "The Vikings" or Gary Cooper in "Beau Geste," there is no reason I should be deprived of a little fun at my death.

So this is what I want when I die:

1) Place a keg of beer next to my bier. No cups, though.
2) Set the alarm on my wristwatch to go off during the eulogy.
3) A semi-open coffin with only the bottom half exposed.
4) Embed "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" into the "On Eagle's Wings" songsheet.
5) Insert a "whoopee cushion" into the kneeler next to my bier.
6) Have my coffin process between two rows of nurses raising vaginal specula.
7) In the hymnals, instead of "How Great Thou Art" substitute the words "How Great The Fart."
8) In the program, instead of "pallbearers" substitute "Paul-bearers." A one-legged "Paul-bearer" would add the right touch.
9) In case someone, against my wishes, elects to organize a flyover with medical helicopters, shoot off a volley of firecrackers and yell, "Al Qaeda!"
10) Spread the rumor that it was smallpox.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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