Yamalazhoo - An Arab Technocrats' Zoo

Funny story written by Harazi

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

You may not like my ideas, perspectives I present, issues that I shed light on, or even me as a person. I can't blame you, won't criticize your opinion, or duel against your intellectuality. Still trying to figure out what am I blabbering about? Well, let me lay it out flat to you, I am the Anarchist in your super supreme almost-perfect system, be it international or local, government or communal. I am that nagging voice at the back of your head telling you to go right when you are supposed to go left and vice versa always confusing you with a million alternative solutions, jumbling your feet and knocking your logic system down with indecision and vacillation.

I love democracy and would die for the cause, but hey, way to go Stalin, you rock, viva la communism. I am the green-peace activist, the hippie, the environmentalist, yet also the tycoon of oil and gas, did I mention that I am a Rockefeller?

Let's put it this way, I am Pandora's Box catching you at a surprise and bursting with flames in your face. I am full of contradictions, wonders and worse nightmares - things you adore as well as those you despise. Cutting to the chase, for my own peace of mind and yours, we shall assume that I know anything and everything, the philanthropist, the jack of all trades - but unlike any other, I actually am a master of all.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I do like talking about myself, I am happy with my own state of mind, insanity? Heck I am what I am, like it or not, the world we are living in today created this concoction out of me. So welcome to my - wait, I meant your world folks!

Allow me the pleasure of escorting you through this fantastic voyage in a sarcastic world seemingly ruled by the most skilled cynics of our day, me! You want to know what happened? Well then take this brief ride with me and you will hopefully get a glimpse of my story…which in essence is your story and everybody's in this country of a thousand warlords but no warriors…read on and cheer for the system.

It is a good shiny day in a land called 'Yamalazhoo'. Perfect weather for a ride in your car through the upper class residential areas - no, you don't want to go north of the city, it is crowded, traffic jams, smelly and smog filling the air, besides, you live there anyway, time for a little treat through this visit of paradise 'uptown'. Oh! Good question my friend. Those are called Street Islands; they use them to separate between lanes and within roundabouts and the like. Oh yes, they do have an abundant amount of space up here. And no, the trees and plants within these islands are exotic and just for show. No, they don't belong to anybody, it's for the 'Public' which you definitely are not one of. The 'Public' likes these sorts of things and they sure do have the money and resources for it. Well, you say what a waste, but that specific word is not common in the updated version of our dictionary. I don't think they ever had that thought my friend, I mean come on, these people don't think in terms of bread, potatoes and tomatoes. Besides, it honestly looks nice after all. It denotes the existence of a civil society - If such a thing with the merest implication of being civil actually exists down these quarters in the first place.

Oh yes, that building you are pointing at is the house of the official you voted for and elected last summer. Yes, you are right, it is a castle indeed; you should see the garden inside, a couple of acres or so. I'm sorry, did you say corn! Of course not, it's an exotic garden, why would he plant maze and barely, they have those north of the city in the plantation you are working at. My friend, as I said, the word 'waste' is not in their dictionary. Where did he get the money you ask? Well, from 'Yamalazhoo', where else! Yes, through several 'Wiggle' channels, taxes, tariffs, natural resources, you know; government income. Oh it definitely is your money, but it's seeing and touch nothing for you I am afraid. Ah yes, he gets to enjoy it alone. Hey, you elected him not me. Oh so you didn't vote for him and know no one that did. Don't argue with me, I know you and your people represent 99% of this nations populous but you still are considered a minority and the majority always wins whether you like it or not. It doesn't matter anyway, the word Elections comes from the Arabic word 'Elec', meaning, for you. You just kick back and relax while they make all the decisions and choose what's best for you and lead on with it while you nod your head ignorantly and gleefully being screwed over, and over again.

You are laughing! Good, that is a sign of you accepting things as they are and the first step to learning the 'Wacheche' way of life. Nope, no common sense whatsoever here, and if you want to keep those lips of yours from kissing dirt six feet under, you would better drop the word logic from your vocabulary and for both our sakes, keep your voice down.

So as I was saying, in other words my friend, the term elections is a figure of speech meaning Direct-Appointment. Why the astonished look on your face? The voting process down to the ballot boxes were monitored you say! Interesting! By who if I may ask? Ah, of course, several credible local and international agencies. They were there during the voting and the counting process and 24/7 near the ballot boxes. Oh of course, silly me, they are only human, how can they. So who else was there, a couple of soldiers only! Sorry, misheard you, a couple of hundred, yes that sounds about right. Yes, for each voting station. Oh I don't know, there must be somewhere around 300 more or less stations.

Army, tribesmen, and guns! Give me a break, it's a well known fact that 'Yamalazhoo' has one of the highest militarized societies; you shouldn't worry about the abundance of soldiers and firearms on the scene. Besides, they are there to protect you from the much anticipated attack of alien invaders keen to disrupt our elections. And it won't be a bad idea if they might as well vote de facto being already there for their candidate - which is also yours whether you like it or not and will eventually win by hook or crook, monitored or not - and totally legal, a perfect system, isn't it?

So you did not vote because you were intimidated! My friend, if those machine guns were pointed at me I would have surely had a fatal heart-attack. Heck no, voting, elections, politics is not for me. Besides, I already told you, it's a direct appointment, with an almost prophetic predictability. Please don't talk to me about those stone engraved vague policies copied on paper in a hundred rephrases, formats, and rearticulated to be finally sourced and back-tracked to the original stone plates of the ever changing loop-holes filled constitution that no one actually cared enough to read. Very funny! Okay, let me give you an example; a couple of years ago an anti-corruption law was passed, supposedly ratified by the parliament, the government, even some international agencies and organizations joined into this massively collaborative effort of a mafia-affiliated orchestra playing the cacophony of transparency, democracy, yada yada yada, singing 'America the land of the…' ehm, sorry I forgot the updated version of the anthem had that typo removed and replaced with 'Yamalazhooo, the land of the pooor'. The clerk who plagiarized the first version might have forgotten to custom edit it or believed us simple folks not to be bright enough to notice. Either way, I would be more than glad to sing to Satan himself if you will pay for my gas today.

Anyway, we strayed off the topic, back to the anti-corruption. Oh so you do remember all the hub-hub, the media coverage and all that fuss. Excellent! Now look out of the window to your right, what do you see. Yes, they are officials, no not civilians, those are 'officials' - elite, noblemen, you know, high-born. The men surrounding them are civilians, godforsaken just like us but with certain privileges, such as the aura of authority shrouding them due to dangerous gear on them, and those are not toys, for crying out loud they are grown up men, those are AK-47s, no, and that's a grenade - yes, the kind that goes "Kaboom" and shredding everything around it into a million pieces. No they don't need a government car-plate, the fancy car is enough identification, added to it the mean-looking armed-to-the-teeth men occupying the car of course. You want that skinny hap of an excuse for a policeman to check them out! Are you kidding! Poor soul would be kissing the tarmac with his bloodied lips if he raises as much as an eyebrow. Oh yesterday, same shy chap was roaring like a lion, well that was because it was us, we pose a threat to the system, usual suspects of thievery and the like, and the government hates competition. Whereas in the case of officials, he knows very well they don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

Law above all!? The answer to that would be no, and that's the beauty about 'Yamalazhoo'. There is no specific law or order, oh forget the legal manuscript, laws & bylaws, and all that mumbo jumbo. I don't know who wrote that useless text anyway wasting his time over something that would not be enforced or abided by. Oh wait; they don't recognize the word 'waste' - my bad! There surely should be a purpose for that effort, it just hit me. They were working for you my friend, remember 'Elec', yes, don't be surprised. You see, your taxes, tariffs, resources, and all that income they take away from you we talked about earlier, it paid off. In return, they are employing that hard-earned money in creating laws, mechanisms and personnel - like those men in the non-marked car we saw earlier (yes I am afraid that's from your own money, they certainly didn't dig out of treasure island) - and an iron clad system for you to abide by and be ruled with. No no, now don't be so avaricious. They don't have to abide by the same laws or kept inline with the same mechanisms. You paid for a service, and they are providing it, that's as far as your rights go in this transaction. Its common sence my friend, why that contorted look on your face. Of course they are above the law, they created it! You don't ask your kids to go to sleep at 8PM and expect them retorting back to you that you should do too. Of course it makes sense, aren't they like your parents? Don't they know better?Who has control of everything around you, who sets the rules, prices, salaries, taxes, working hours…should I go on? Simple and pure logic of illogic my friend.

Well there is a law that governs them too of course, but it follows a different set of rules, and that being the law of the jungle, in other words, the rule of the strong. It's like this, the deeper your pocket goes, the stronger you are- the stronger you are, the deeper your pocket will further go with direct proportionality. The weak involuntary aid in the rise of the strong, the strong in return picks on the weak and parasitically balloons in wealth, authority and muscle. The more wealth you acquire, the stronger you become, with exceeding authorities, and law & order becomes an in increasingly relative term. Perfect system isn't it. Yes, it has been like this for as long as I can remember and it shall remain so for as far as I can see. Change! Passover, well, I guess they are humans after all with a limited life time span. Yes, they will pass away with their children taking over continuing and building upon their fathers' legacies. Of course they will. You don't build a house over a life time to simply hand it over to stranger at the end of your time instead of your own offspring or the least your family. What sort of flawed logic are you employing; you most certainly don't expect them to give away such an empire, especially to the likes of you! What plant did you come from anyway?

It is a 'Yamalazhoo' my friend, which means that anything and everything is possible. So the answer to your question is yes. You can become one of them if you pay good attention to me. In 'Yamalazhoo', there is an ancient and hidden secret art known only to the very few and it's called the 'Wacheche'. To become one of the Chosen, you need to learn the 'Wacheche'. The process is erroneous, long, and involves a lot of sacrifices at first, but it pays back handsomely. The technique is known as 'Wiggle'. You basically wiggle your tail at the very sight of a carefully selected candidate from the Chosen. You forget about dignity, morals, or any ideals you may have; burry those with the rest of the bones in your backyard. You shall wiggle, wiggle, and wiggle at that chosen till he takes note of you. You will be obedient, you won't bite on his shoes or trouser hems. You will roll when you are told to, jump, hop, sit, and fetch too. More wiggling won't harm you while you are at it.

You will be loyal, servant to a master. Remember, you are expendable, a nobody, crawling face down in the dirt, so never look your master in the eye. Wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle! Soon you will master the 'Wachehe'. You start seeing things from a different angle; you are slowly grasping how your master looks at the world around you. It is an insight. Your master just ruffled your hair and scratched behind your ears. Excellent! Be a good pet and lick that hand generously. Wiggle even more, concentrate, focus your energies, become your masters tool, duplicate his every move, thinking patterns, the way he carry's himself. Wiggle! Harder! Wiggle! Bravo! Your master just bought you your first golden collar. You should be jubilant, don't mind the chain tightly held in his hands and jerking your collar, you will soon get used to it. Bark in appreciation! Wiggle! Are you feeling the sensation yet? Yes, I know, that's the 'Third Eye' my friend, its opening up and the light is coming through. Wiggle, don't ever forget to Wiggle, and never stop. "Enlightenment". You now know! You are a royal 'Hound', and in time, as evolution has it, you will walk erect on two. Wiggle and Wiggle! Fear not, that is just you wiggling out of your own skin and becoming your master's image, a duplicate, a Chosen One! Rejoice! The light pours over you, with wealth, power, and authority - Hmm! No! Real wisdom and knowledge are not part of the enlightenment nor are they important to you anyway as a chosen one. Off with such useless questions now, let's enjoy your moment. Yes, bow that head down; droop your ears, good boy! You are intuitively wiggling now! Admirable! You are a brilliant student, wiggle you will and forever shall. Congratulations! That's the 'Ultimate Nirvana'.

What are you pointing at? Oh, that! That's just the devil cashing in your soul, Mr. Chosen One - amongst many. You will come to realize that the term Chosen One is relative, i.e. a low breed to some, and of a noble steed to others, and that is the beauty of the Pecking Order, the more you wiggle, the higher you rise - soon becoming an expert at the ancient art of 'Wacheche', enlightened through the 'Ultimate Nirvana', and so enchanted by the euphoria you seize to be a human being from the land that time itself has forgotten, and you yourself will forget about the millions dying out of hunger, disease, and conflict around you as you finally become a loyal and proud official of "Yamalazhoo".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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