Dear Kent Pete: Am I having God's baby?

Funny story written by Kent Pete

Monday, 7 April 2008


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Victoria ; A Virgin Birth at last in Lewisham.

Victoria from Lewisham writes,

I am a 30 year old virgin. I have recently had really bad stomach cramps, and a home pregnancy test revealed that I am indeed with child. My boyfriend has, in the past, touched my Port Talbot whilst having life on his fingers. Could he have passed this on to me resulting in pregnancy, or am I having God's baby? I am going to see my Doctor next week but wanted to talk to you first. Please reply as soon as possible!

Kent Pete says :

Thank you for having faith in me Victoria. You have asked for my honest opinion and I respect that. My reply will include some graphic language and I ask you to prepare for that. It is not meant to offend but to educate.

It is not unusual for a man to transfer his live sperm into the woman's vagina via his fingers. That is doubtless the explanation you will hear from your GP. However one of the problems I have with modern day medicine is that it is very prescriptive. If something can't be explained through scientific principles then it doesn't exist. Hence their reluctance to consider alternative methods such as acupuncture, bach flower remedies or the use of neat Vodka to treat depression.

It is my considered opinion that you may well be carrying God's child. Infact it is my strongly held belief that more and more women are conceiving in this way. My dear wife, Mrs Pete and I , have three wonderful children between the ages of eight and two and we haven't, "dropped anchor" as they say since Euro 96 .

Doctor's will tell you many things and my advice is don't listen to a word they say. They could well be jealous of your obvious fertility . However I would say that if you are indeed carrying the Lord's child Victoria , it is probably advisable to lay off the fags and do keep the boozy nights to a minimum there's a girl .

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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