U.S. Presidential Candidates Hire Consultants To Prevent Embarrassments As Conventions Near

Written by Natowsky

Friday, 21 March 2008


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Expect more Presidential candidate shit to hit the fan!

Exclusive to "The Puking Truth"

News from the street is that it's finally looking dirty out there amongst the voters. And, that can only mean one thing in the U.S. Yes, the 3 candidates for President of the U.S. are within 5-6 months of Convention time and the shit is starting to hit the fan.

Obama has been trying to halt his need for excuses, mainly caused by his spiritual leader, the Reverend Dr. Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr. and Hillary has had to axe one-time VP candidate for President, and, of recent times, campaign consultant, Geraldine Ferraro, both because of the "race card." And, to think we heard reference to this very same smear by the jokers of the deck, Johnnie Cochrane and Mark "The N Man" Fuhrman in "The Trial of the Century." You'll recall that that was the one with OJ, who still keeps getting arrested...for abusing a motorist and, now, is charged with attempted kidnapping and armed robbery! And, just recently, the Honorable ex-Vietnam War Naval pilot, Senator McCain, "The Elephant's Man," fired one of his head honchos for an ad claiming that Obama is not patriotic. It certainly is beginning to stink! After all, caca is fetid, even more than the "slings of bad actions," we got from "Billie Boy" over a period of 8 "exciting" years.

Well, let's finally cut the crap. Let's get the skeletons out from the closets all at one time and dump them in the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean and purge each of the candidates from penetrating (sorry!)the National Psyche! So, for the benefit of our readers, we present the boners (no, this is not the Spitzer thing!), the skeltons you may hear about, regarding the "Magic 3," as America celebrates "March Madness!" We mean basketball, bubbies! Yes, it's a tribute to the tallest black men in America with the best deals with some of the finest colleges and universities in America, so that their schools can win by the jocks' dribbling, passing, and shooting. Yes, I mean that game that leads to Mega Contracts ($$$), far exceeding any cash that any of the "Magic 3" will see as Commander in Chief! What a country!

So, you judge and make no bones about it. Any of the following has a "stop" in place by a PR whiz or whizzes, to prevent damage control for any of these able "Magic 3."

And, what are the secret worries of the "Magic 3?"

Hillary---ran off without paying for soft ice cream at age 7; cheated on Bubba when first married; spanked Chelsea for using the F word at age 18; tongue-kissed Dick Morris (one-time Bubba campaign manager) for 3 days straight and sucked both his big toes (a Morris fetish); eats spaghetti with her fingers; always farts right after a big meal at home and says, "Whew, what a relief!;" drinks a double Scotch before bed (since age 16); has used the "N" word affectionately ("What a lovely Nigger!") for Barry Bonds when she was afraid he wouldn't keep upping his home run tally. Prognosis: Has a fantastic PR foursome to save her butt on above and other issues.

McCain---Friends have actually stated on 4 occasions, "Hey John, you really are breathing! But, why did your hair turn white with the Viet Cong?;" His response 'Tôi nói tie^'ng Vie^.t' Man, that's rough talk;! has part of his N. Vietnamese bamboo "tiger cage" embedded in plastic to show dinner guests; curses in Vietnamese everytime he misplaces his car keys, except for the word Camry; regulary curses George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Karl Rove; uses the same handkercief for several days(quite encrusted with snot), has the same voice now that he had at age 8(mother sought cure at age 17...no luck); gets inspiration from CBS' soap opera, the "Guiding Light;" had affair with Miss Phoenix for a week in 1999; had affair with Girls Scouts' Female Leader in Tucson in 2001 while discussing cookie sales; had a foursome with "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit babes for a weekend in 2004; has been trying to implant grey hairs using "Hair Club for Men" with no success--likes the Bubba look of silver hair; at home, eats soup directly from a bowl. Prognosis: PR people want voice volume upped and anger displayed at the Demos; kill "old man" image; keep away from Cheney; make funny commercials as did Dole, but no Viagra or similar shtick; immediately embarrass Leno, Letterman et al by throwing jokes back at their expense, e.g., "Leno's face is looking more and more like my '67 rusted-out Chevy."

Obama---Has signs all around his house saying, "I'm not an Uncle Tom or Halfrican;!" has photos of a naked Hillary with Dick Morris to play the "Sex Card," if necessary; won't admit that he considers himself 70% black; claims black is his favorite color (that's a color???); prejudiced against all non-human white animals (such as polar bears, lab rats, white tigers); favoite song: "White Christmas" written by a Jew and inflames anti-semitic backer Lewis Farrakhan; cannot grow longer hair because of a rare Kenyan disease, Maswahimbayalinnoonnoo; secretly has the hots for Charlize Theron (Oh no...OJ again!); recently wrote a book that will never be published: "My Blackberries" (PCs or testicles?). Prognosis: PR people from old Nazi SS found in Argentina; although, in their 80s and 90s, will protect him. "He vill not be hoomiliated!" Expecting rough time at the Convention.

The master manipulators of public opinion are ever vigilant. Their "covers" are ready. "No More Spitzers" is their rallying cry. Yes, America, you will be voting for only 2 stooges come November 4, 2008. And, Ralph Nader, butt out!

(Reported by "The Slithering Muck")

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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