Tips for improving self-confidence

Funny story written by Martin Yates

Sunday, 3 February 2008

image for Tips for improving self-confidence
Be like this man. Be confident!

Self-confidence is so important in today's cut and thrust life, and you really need to stand out from the crowd if you want to get ahead in this world. There is no point sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself, so get up on your feet and do something about your sorry excuse for a life. Be aggresive! Be firm! Stand up straight when people are talking! What's wrong with you?! You need a stint in the Army, that's what you need! Some good solid exercise will stop you moaning on and on about how miserable you are. Fresh air and plenty of fibre. It's no wonder you lack self-confidence if all you do is sit on your bum all day stuffing crisps down your neck. Have you stepped on the scales lately? You should be ashamed of yourself. You need to get out and meet people more, if you can fit your huge bulk through the door that is.

A good place to meet people is at your local community centre, where there are often social groups that you can join in an effort to make people like you. You might even like to join a keep-fit class, if you can stop shoving pies in your mouth long enough to fill out the registration form. If this doesn't work, You can always find a busy bus route and ride around your local area all day. Someone is bound to talk to you then, even if it is just the driver when they call the police.

Doctors waiting rooms are another good place to meet people, as you have a captive audience who have to sit and listen as you drone on and on about your problems. In short, you need to shape up and sort yourself out. Surely you can at least pretend to be interesting? A good trick is to stand in front of the mirror (if you can bear it) and repeat the line "I am an interesting person who in no way repulses other people" over and over again. Who knows? It might even take your mind off how pointless your existence is.

By following these tips you might find yourself feeling a bit more confident and better about your meaningless life. Don't make you mistake of getting over-confident though, as rejection can often put you right back at square one. Trying new things before you are ready can have very negative effects on your confidence. I recommend for the first few days that you do not venture outside your front door, as the public's reaction to you will often be very critical. Once you are used to this, you can go further afield. Before you know it you will almost be a fully-functional member of society. Good luck!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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