King David's list of top 11 well-intended gifts that, frankly, suck

Written by King David

Saturday, 29 December 2007

image for King David's list of top 11 well-intended gifts that, frankly, suck
NAFTA was on the satirist's top 11 list of well-intended gifts that, frankly, suck; this Mexican man goes to work in Mexi

It was reported today that satirist and Spoofwriter, King David has compiled his 2007 Christmas list of top 11 gifts that frankly suck and topping the list this year is the Fissure Price Farmer Says talking toy.

This talking toy was reported on earlier in an article by the satirist and has the capacity to drive a snow-bound family of four completely insane.

Next on KD's list was the Sonic Key Finder. Not only will this gadget help you to find your lost keys when you whistle, but placed on your dresser at night, the Sonic Key Finder will help you to wake up at odd hours throughout the night.

Design faults in the key finder's hardware cause its high-pitched, screaming alarm to go off randomly like an impotent president who has to make a speech in public from time to time to remind himself that he still has a voice. Nice idea, but a better design is required.

Taking third place on the satirist's lowly list was The Backwards Slinky. Think about it. How entertaining is a f*cking Slinky in the first place? Not to mention one that goes backwards. They don't even go backwards!

Number 4-One of the worst "gifts" on the satirist's list of lasts are girlfriends who have return his calls late at night using text messages with "talking robots." Isn't the world impersonal enough without one last reminder while you're winding down and getting ready for bed?

5-Liposuction and boob jobs.

6--The Black & Decker DB425 DustBuster Deluxe Cordless Wet Dry Vac, or any other vacuum cleaner, or blow up doll.

7-The Jews' R Us Instant Matzo Maker. Come on, you can't condense thousands of years of history and tradition into one little kosher bread maker.

8-Dora the Conquistador doll with optional smallpox and tuberculosis and other infectious diseases. This damned doll is dangerous and a hazard to little children, parents and other dolls. No child should ever own one of these.

9-Dora the Maquiladora doll with optional low-wage settlement and industrial loom. Accompany this Mexican, dark-haired beauty on an 18-hour shift in one of American's preeminent sweatshops in Mexico. Watch as early on-set arthritis creeps into her beautiful and golden-skinned finger joints and turns them into stone.

10-- Toys from China made with lead paint.

And finally, number 11-The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA, part of Bill Clinton and the 1994 Congressional legacy and "gift" to the Northern Hemisphere).

This horrendous piece of greedy and short-sighted legislation has caused more American jobs to be funneled south of the border than any other piece in the history of the nation.

Ross Perot was defiantly right when he said that Americans would hear a "giant sucking sound" south of the border as a result of this terrible piece of legislation.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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