New Year's Resolutions for the Year of the Mouse

Funny story written by JAB

Friday, 28 December 2007

image for New Year's Resolutions for the Year of the Mouse

There are two moments that are guaranteed every year. One, is some politician/celebrity doing or saying something which is completely stupid, asinine, idiotic, mindless or moronic. The other, is New Year's Resolutions by some politician/celebrity which are absurd, ludicrous, inane, ridiculous or foolish.

Here then are the nutty, preposterous, imbecilic, puerile and meaningless Resolutions for 2008, the year of the mouse.

    I will always lift the toilet seat when I use a public bathroom

      ~Senator Larry Craig

    I will stop shaving my head and keep my vajayjay covered

      ~Britney Spears

    I will stop wearing Post-it Notes in public

      ~Michael Jackson

    I will watch "Weekend at Bernie's" with Fidel

      ~Hugo Chavez

    I will stop shaving my legs and find out what a vajayjay's for

      ~Jamie Lyn Spears

    I will only drink grande rattes

      ~Heather Mills

    I will never date another showgirl


    I will shave my legs and open my vajayjay for another role model child

      ~Lynne Spears

    I will play "Stairway to Heaven" on my air guitar with Pope Benedict XVI

      ~Tony Blair

    I will kick Bill's ass if he ever buys me a red dress

      ~Senator Hillary Clinton

    I will be a Nutter like the Mayor of Philadelphia

      ~Prime Minister Kevin Rudd of Australia

    I will kick somene's ass if he doesn't buy me a red dress

      ~Eddie Izzard

    I will bend it again in LA

      ~David Beckham

    I will learn the Hokey Pokey

      ~George W. Bush

    I will train my Chia Pet to use the litter box

      ~Kim Jong-il

    I will change the image of my country from being the land of the loonie

      ~Prime Minister Stephen Harper of Canada

    I will shave my mustache so people won't think I'm a Hitler sympathizer

      ~Will Smith

    I will have a reunion with my half brother/half sister, RuPaul

      ~Ron Paul

    I will find a woman, who eats meat, drinks milk, wears fur and can stand on her own two feet

      ~Paul McCartney

Happy New Year Mickey, Minnie, Mighty, Itchy, Tom and Jerry -- it's your year!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more