Senator Barack Obama's Waltersloo

Written by JAB

Wednesday, 26 December 2007

image for Senator Barack Obama's Waltersloo
Senator Barack Obama

Just before Iowa's, January 3rd Caucus and the January 8th New Hampshire Primary, part of an interview transcript between ABC Television's Barbara Walters and Senator Barack Obama has surfaced. Its authenticity can't be verified and neither ABC nor the Obama Presidential campaign is commenting, if or when the interview took place. Anonymous sources in the Clinton camp say the interview did take place and that Obama advisers are trying desperately to stop ABC from airing it prior to January 8.

Here is that transcript:

Bawack Obama is the junior US Senator from Illinois and a member of the Democratic Party. Born to a bwack Kenyan father and a white American mother he spent most of his childhood in Hawaii. He is among the Democratic Party's weading candidates for nomination in the 2008 U.S.Presidential ewection. He and his charming wife, Michelle, were married in 1992 and have two daughters. Here is my excwusive interview with the Senator.

Barbara Walters: Welcome to the pwogwam Senator.

Barack Obama: Thank you for having me Barbara.

BW: Do you feel any added pwessure being the only bwack on the campaign twail?

BO: Not at all, Barbara, although it is an unusual name, it states my heritage and I am proud to be my father's son.

BW: So you don't think it's at all gwound bweaking?

BO: I can assure you and your viewers I never think of it, it was the name I was given and I'm proud to have.

BW: You study histowy -- do you ever stop and think: "If I was a Dennis or a Chwistopher I wonder what it would be wike?"

BO: Nothing personal to Dennis or any of my other fine Democrat opponents but I would not want to be called Dennis Obama, even if it meant the Irish vote.

BW: I wead somewhere that you once worked on the fwoor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange.

BO: In my younger days I did as a…

BW: …were you what they call a wunner?

BO: Ah! Say that again.

BW: You know one of those people who wun as fast as a wabbit to pwace orders.

BO: I was actually a currency trader.

BW: Did you wear one of those funny wooking jackets?

BO: As a matter of fact I did, it had a big Canadian maple leaf on the back with "U.S.EH" printed underneath.

BW: Do you think that may be one of the weasons Senator Clinton made the comment about you being "iwesponsible and naïve" when it comes to foreign affairs?

BO: I hope not, just because she made $100,000 trading live cattle futures, doesn't mean she's a big fat cow.

BW: I see -- do you have a pwoblem with wong ewection cycles?

BO: -- excuse me?

BW: Well, when I was young, I wuved it when the pwimaries were eight months to a year, now it seems two years isn't…

BO: …I see, I think it's important to start from primary through secondary and so on, pre- K is definitely too soon…

BW: …you definitely see a wesson in wanking here don't you?

BO: I've been taught from a very young age to "play the hand you're dealt" and let's just leave it at that.

BW: Does Harry Weid have anything to do with your campaign?

BO: I've acknowledged in my memoir "Dreams from My Father" that as a teenager I experimented with Maui Wowee.As tough as it is, I strongly urge the youth of America not to smoke anything, no matter whether it's Harry Weed, Panama Red or whatever.

BW: Hmm.What about Speaker Pewosi?

BO: Same thing Barbara, we used to call it peyote.

BW: Do you wike Bwues?

BO: Michelle and I are quite fond of Pinot Noir during dinner.

BW: I quite wike Muddy Waters just before bed.

BO: Is that something like Kahlua?

BW: Oh! Mrs.Obama your husband is so witty and his fwench is impeccable.

BO: Merci.

BW: I know you are very fond of Opwa…

BO: …yes, Michelle and I go as often as possible, of course, my schedule at the moment limits the amount of free time we have but…

BW: … when I'm in Chicago I try to do wunch with her…

BO: … one of our favorites is Die Fledermaus.

BW: That's a new one for me, is that Dearborn and Harrison?

BO: No, Johann Strauss.

BW: Are you alwight on the campaign twail?

BO: No, I'm very proud of my black heritage on my father's side and always will be.

BW: When your wovely wife Michelle is awound, you seem vewy wight headed.

BO: Far from it, Barbara, I'm totally comfortable in the skin God gave me.

BW: We will be wight back after this word from our sponsor Wincoln Continental who weminds you to dwive wesponsibly.

(Barely audible)

Barack Obama: "I'm blowing this interview, I don't understand her, she talks like Elmer Fudd."

Michelle Obama: "Just remember, every time she pronounces a word with a 'w' it really means the word has an 'l' or 'r' in it and you'll do fine."

BW: Welcome back -- Senator, you look to be in great shape.

BO: Why thank you Barbara, I consider health and fitness among my top priorities and it will be in my administration.

BW: When did you last get weighed?

BO: Ah -- that is a rather personal question -- but let me assure you Michelle and I have a very healthy relationship.

BW: Oh come on Senator, I'm sure our viewers are very curious to know what kind of scale it was, bedwoom, penny arcade, Quickie Mart?

BO: Hmmm...The scale we use is between one and ten.

BW: Ha! You're good!

BO: Well, thank you.

BW: You and your beautiful wife Michelle are young and in tune with the current generation, do you ever worry what infwuence wappers might have on your two young daughters?

BO: No, I can honestly say I'm not overly concerned about lappers. Most of these dancers are at adult clubs and are not a threat to the general public and in particular to our young children.

BW: What about some of the words they use, does that not concern you?

BO: Come on Barbara, they whisper sweet nothings to some one who's probably had too much to drink. I'm more concerned and so should our nation about the lyrics in some of these rap songs that our youngsters are exposed to day in and day out.

BW: This is obviously very personal to you and I'm sure, something you have given serious considewation to, but what do think of civil wights in America today?

BO: Well, as you know I am a smoker and I prefer Menthol Lights. I don't care if people prefer Marlboro lights, Camel lights, Civil lights or whatever brand. Now let me add, that smoking is bad, and I'm trying to quit. "Smoke 'em if ya got'em", is not cool anymore.

BW: Have you thought of any possible wunning mates if you should win the Democratic nomination?

BO: Heavens no Barbara, it's much too early.

BW: Vewy true I took my time in a replacement for "The View" and now everything is Whoopi after Wosie.

BO: I couldn't have said it better my self.

BW: You have a fwight to New Hampshire, after our interview, is that cowect?

BO: That's correct

BW: Could you tell us where you'll be in case any of our viewers would like to see you.

BO: Sure Barbara, and thanks for the opportunity. I'll be in Litchfield which isn't to far from Wondonderry.

BW: Good wuck on the campaign trail, Senator, and thank you for being with us tonight.

BO: Thank you, Barbara for inviting Michelle and I and letting me share some of who I am with your viewers. I hope you will give me some serious consideration to be your candidate as President of the United States but regardless, please exercise your freedom and rights and do wote.

(Barely audible)

"Michelle, I don't believe what I just said, let's get the hell outta here."

"I'm wight behind you dawing."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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