The Things That I Know

Funny story written by TJL

Saturday, 15 December 2007

As a single man living in New York City, I have gained knowledge on a variety of subjects; things that have helped me survive pretty well in the greatest city on earth. Although you may never find yourself in the following situation (and I hope you never do) it never hurts to be prepared.


Okay, you're out with your friends, having a few drinks at your local pub to celebrate your co-worker's promotion, when wouldn't you know it, that drunk girl who works with your friend Jenny has had a few too many cocktails and now she's over in the corner crying her eyes out.


Before the little drama queen drags everyone's Friday night down, follow these simple tips to get the party back on track!

Remove the drunken girl from the bar.

For the sake of the other patrons, try to convince the drunken girl that a little air will do her good. If she is able to move, take the drunken girl outside to have a cigarette and continue crying. It's okay to let her sit on the curb and collect herself, provided that the curb is relativly clean and dry but under no circumstances should you allow her to wander off alone.

Ask the drunk girl what she is crying about.

If it's about some guy she's been calling all night who hasn't shown up yet, assure her that he will be here soon, even if you know he's never going to go anywhere near this crazy chick again. The key is to pretend to listen.

If it's about another girl in your group, inform her that she is far more beautiful and fun and better than the other girls she hangs out with. If none of them are within earshot, refer to one of the others as a tramp or a slut.

Call her a cab

If she continues to cry about something you cannot possibly help her with (and let's face it, if this girl has done this before then there is nothing you could ever do to help her outside of finding her a good therapist) have your friends collect her things and put her in a cab. Make sure she has significant cash to pay the driver when she arrives home.

Now you are free to return to the bar and enjoy the company of your more emotinally stable friends. Believe me, they will admire you for your patience and compassion, and your ability to handle a crisis.

Tom Levier lives in New York City. Women have been known to burst into tears in his presence.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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