How Many Mormons Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Friday, 23 March 2007

image for How Many Mormons Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Author's Note: We have all heard the standard light bulb jokes. I wrote these for Mormons about five years ago and they have been e-mailed all over the place many times. I have even received it back from others, in several altered conditions with additions and deletions. This is the original.

How many members of the Bishopric does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they assign it to the Elders Quorum or the Relief Society.

How many Young Men does it take to change a light bulb?
They will only change it if it keeps them from playing basketball in the cultural hall.

How many Primary children does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't need light bulbs; they already have enough Sunbeams and Stars.

How many Relief Society Sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
Six: One to change the bulb, two to "support" the ladder, and three to bring refreshments (at least two jello salads).

How many Young Women (and their leaders) does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty eight: One to conduct the meeting, two to say the prayers, one to play the piano, one to lead the hymns, a member of the presidency to teach them how changing light bulbs can change their lives, one to change the bulb, five to comfort the one girl crying in the bathroom because she was not called to change the bulb, one powder puff mechanics instructor to teach them how to change a bulb, eight to carry the six foot ladder from the janitor's closet, three to skip the class and watch the Young Men playing basketball, and three to bear testimonies on how seeing a light bulb changed has affected them spiritually.

How many Home Teachers does it take to change the light bulb?
Do you want the real number or the number that they reported?

How many inactive members does it take to change a light bulb?"I won't change a light bulb in that church as long as Sister Winters is the Relief Society President if you paid me. Did you hear what she had the gall to say about my kid's being noisy? As far as I'm concerned, she can sit on her fat behind and do her visiting teaching reports in the dark."

How many nursery leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Nine: One to do "Itsy Bitsy Spider," one to hand out the snacks, one to wipe up the spilled snacks, one to help with the crayons, one to keep the children from eating the crayons, one to escort kids to the bathroom, one to throw up her hands in frustration and go get the parents and the primary president, one to stand on the chair to change the light bulb, and one to keep the children from running under the chair while the light bulb is being changed.

How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight: Six to go around to members' houses to see if they can borrow a light bulb, one to call the zone leaders to see if they have permission to change the light bulb, and one to stand on the ladder and actually change the bulb (and this will always be the greenest Elder).

How many High Priests does it take to change a light bulb?
"In the old days, we had to climb seventy feet up a ladder, when we could actually afford a ladder during the depression, to change a light bulb, and the light bulbs back then weighed over fifty pounds. We'd have to walk ten miles, uphill both ways, in the snow to get to a store to buy a light bulb, only to find that they were out of light bulbs due to rationing because of the Nazi menace. These young people don't know how easy they have it these days."

How many High Councilmen does it take to change a light bulb?
All twelve. One to change the bulb and the other eleven to try to wake up everyone in the congregation who fell asleep because High Councilmen can make changing a light bulb very boring.

How many LDS Social Services counselors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

How many Scoutmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he has to first sharpen the axe, find the right tree, cut down the tree, cut it into boards, make a ladder, and hope he has a light bulb in this back pack (he can't use the Young Men because they are in the cultural hall playing basketball).

How many Family History Center workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If our ancestors didn't need light bulbs, then why do we?

How many Early Morning Seminary Students does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't change that light bulb! We're trying to sleep!

How many Molly Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Molly Mormons don't change light bulbs because there might be dead bugs in the light fixtures, and those are icky.

How many Peter Priesthoods does it take to change a light bulb?"Now when I was on my mission in South America, most of the people there couldn't afford light bulbs. I remember this one family that we tracted out on a Tuesday morning in a monsoon?."

How many Meetinghouse Librarians does it take to change a light bulb?"Did anyone sign out for a light bulb? I don't see that anyone requested a light bulb on the sheet that they were supposed to turn in last week. You know, we are not mind readers in the library. We don't have light bulbs laying around just waiting to be changed! We need time to prepare to change light bulbs."

How many Ward Activities Committee members does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to show frustration because "The Bishop expects us to do everything around here." One to plan a meeting to set a committee to change the light bulb. The only person who shows up to this meeting goes ahead and asks the meetinghouse custodian to change the bulb for them.

How many Ward Music Chairmen and Ward Choir members does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty: One to pass out the hymnals, one tenor to complain that he never gets a solo, one soprano to tell everyone how they used to change light bulbs in her old ward choir, one to direct the changing of the light bulb, thirteen to wait for direction, one organist to accompany the changing of the light bulb, one alto to complain that the sopranos get all the good light bulb changing parts, and one tone deaf husband who can't sing to get up from the back of the chapel and change the bulb because he is tired of listening to all of the whining.

How many Ward Clerks and does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One Financial Clerk to see if we have enough money in the budget to afford a light bulb, one Historical Clerk to see when the last time the light bulb was changed, one Membership Clerk to check the roster to see if there is a qualified electrician in the ward, and one Ward Clerk to go change the bulb while everyone else is fooling around with the paperwork.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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