Written by Greg Schwartz

Sunday, 28 January 2007


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WASHINGTON, D.C. - Lawmakers today introduced a radical new bill designed to eliminate the issue of teen pregnancy once and for all. The bill is gaining instant popularity among the city's pundits and, in an uncharacteristic show of bipartisanship, is being embraced by Democrats and Republicans alike.

Crafted by rookie Sen. Peter Toole (D-Minn.), the bill offers a heretofore unthought-of solution to the problems that often arise from teenage sex, such as unplanned pregnancy, disease, drug use, war, and famine. The Senate will vote on the bill tomorrow, and it is expected to pass unanimously.

The bill, if passed by the House and Senate and approved by the president, will simply outlaw puberty. "I can't believe it took us this long to come up with a solution so direct and to the point," remarked the chairman of the House Paperclip-Counting Committee, veteran Rep. M. T. Space (R-Ill.)

In unusually straightforward language, the bill strictly prohibits the entering and/or completing of puberty by all children -- both boys and girls. Sen. Toole stated in a press conference earlier today that, once his law is on the books, the crime of entering puberty would carry a minimum of five years in prison and a fine not to exceed one thousand dollars. While Sen. Toole's bill does not have many critics, some lawmakers are skeptical about the suggested punishment, and are insisting that the bill include a provision for guilty children to be tried as adults.

Across the country, parents of teenagers are already hailing the bill as the "best thing since the A-bomb," as one father put it. Currently, an estimated 84% of high school students engage in sexual activity on a regular basis (26% reportedly have intercourse while in class), but experts believe that within one year of the bill's enactment, that number will drop to zero.

An unheeded alarm has been raised by Dr. Izzy Serious, a professor at the University of Maryland and an avid proponent of IQ testing for prospective congressmen. Dr. Serious believes that, if carried out, the new law would effectively neuter the nation and render future pregnancy impossible. However, he has been dismissed as an extremist and a Communist by many in the political arena, and his views have been widely disregarded.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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