I decided that my last $ 75,00 dollars would not be spent on my incarceration in Lovely Acres Rest Home on December 31, 2006. With the new payment to "New Squawk" , the nickname given to this hotbed of complaining,due on New Year's Day , I knew it was time for the breakout. We'd been dreaming about it for years like the barroom denizens of O'Neil's Iceman, we had our pipe dreams too. But I resolved I'd be our Hickey and finally act on all the fantasies we palathered about.
We had a plan, Josephine, Benny and I. The night staff were either sleeping ,playing texas hold'em or holdin' each other in the laundry room. Benny had this wild goddaughter who would come faithfully every week,bad mouth his daughter for putting him in this "hellhole" and offer to break him out any time, making his escape in her bright red convertible Mustang.
Benny gave her the call and we prepared our get away. It was not without complications. Josephine needed a wheelchair to get around(confined was not a word this hot babe cottoned to), Benny was all but blind and I could hardly go ten minutes without a pee.The goddaughter -she shoulda' had a theme song- was to pull up at the loading dock at midnight.After a good long piss ,I was to push Josephine to the top of the hall north of the loading platform and then, piss again, before getting almost blind Benny to the rendezvous point.
We managed to converge on the meeting spot when things started to go wrong. I had to piss again and that slowed things down considerably. By the time I returned the two orderlies who were playin' hold'em in the laundry room had emerged fighting about somebody comin'too soon.(None of us could relate to that sexual complaint). When the disgruntled pair stumbled on our trio we thought the jig was up. Instead they were so drunk they just laughed on past us and we thought our way was clear.
That was until the card game broke up with loud accusations of cheater this and liar that. Once more we stood like three statues in the hall and hoped our "caretakers" would not notice. Sure enough ,thanks to Lady Gin or one of her other royal inebriant family members,we went unnoticed.
We were just 50 feet from the loading dock,the angelic goddaughter and her sweet red chariot when a fire alarm sounded! Residents,staff,visiting poker players and pok'em players ran for the exits. Blind Benny noticed this was our chance."Let's book",he screamed ,and wheelchair,blindman and wildly steering and guiding "me" ran ,pushed and struggled for the loading dock door. It was locked , apparently an automatic result of the fire alarm.
Just when we thought our escape was foiled , Benny saw the way out. "Isn't there an emergency release on the electronic door?", he asked from his years of loading dock experience. Sure enough there was a button labeled exactly what the blind man envisioned. Pushing the button with her cane,Josephine released the door just as a shiny red rescue vehicle pulled up to the ramp.
A tie-died savior leaped from the driver's side door and before we knew it Josephine, wheelchair and cane, blind Benny,beloved godfather, and little old me were off and running from Lovely Acres,leaving our aches ,pains and squawking complaints behind and on our way to wherever my last $75,000.and two good friend's social security would take us ,courtesy of a rainbow-haired angel in a Godsend of a red chariot.