Frederico The Fruit Wrangler

Funny story written by Craig Meighan

Monday, 18 September 2006

image for Frederico The Fruit Wrangler
Pineapples are the most intelligent of all fruits.

Once upon a time there was a boy named Frederico. A gangling, nervous dude who could barely tell you his name, without st-st-stuttering and stammering. Most nights while the other children played and ran, he sat in his room and conquered the world in a video game.
Frederico was a lonely boy. At school he had no friends because he had no skills, other boys had musical talent or kung fu, some were funny or very clever, some could dance, others could speak a foriegn language. These skills earned them friends and charmed the ladies. Frederico had no such skills and hence had no friends. He had once thought about talking to a lady but he fell over a meringue.
"You fell over a pavlova!" The kids would shout- rather harshly.
What Frederico failed to realise is that everyone has skills. Sometimes it just takes a while to know what your skills are.
Frederico was sixteen when it happened. One day while doing his chores an amazing event occurred. He did the hoovering - normal. He washed the dishes - nothing out of the ordinary. He sponged bathed his Gran - totally boring. However it was when he was rearranging his fathers vintage fruit collection the action really kicked in. Just as he was replacing the Lime (1967- Halifax Food Show - Best Lime) he had a casual thought about how good it would be if a lime fell from a height and killed his Uncle Rory. Uncle Rory was evil, pure steamy evil. He planned to steal his inheritance by rewriting the will and killing his parents.
Uncle Rory was out in the garden molesting a digestive biscuit and a cup of bovril when the lime thundered into his cranium with the force of a truck - full of limes.
When Frederico ran outside to find Rory dead he realised his skill immidiately.

Frederico could manipulate fruit with his mind!

He immiediatley ran to the pantry and began rotating tomatoes, jiggling cranberries and propelling tangerines.


He practically flew to school the next day and halfway through English he could wait no longer.


He then levitated a pommegranet, a bunch of bannanas and a herd of Mango's. His teacher had an orgasm, a stroke and two heart attacks before the fruit returned to the ground.

He was suddenly the talk of the town. A golden boy. The Boy Who Can is what they called him. The Boy Who Can.

One fine day after that he was hosting his weekly fruit levitation-based talk show "Fruity Frederico's Friday Fandana!" when disaster struck. He attempted to fly a pineapple across the studio, do a backflip then catch the pineapple on a custom built spike. Easy. However ...

Pineapples are notoriously unrespondant to mind control, being the most intelligent of all the fruits. However Frederico's Gran is highly suseptible to recieving the AIDS gene that most pineapples carry and therefore he'd never used one before.

The pineapple flew across the room just as planned but it had its own ideas about where it would land. Instead of the custom built spike the pineapple landed square on Frederico's face. Oh Cripes! The audience gasped and the station went to commercial break while the juicy rogue was removed from the poor boy's face.

Frederico learned one important lesson from this whole ordeal.

You can never tame a pineapple. Even if you are a gifted fruit psychic.

MORAL OF THE STORY - If you kill a man with a lime but he's not very nice, you will almost certainly be aquitted. Remember that kids. Remember what Molly the Murder Monkey Says :

Kill a Pimp, save a Gimp.

Stay in school.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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