US to 'Render' Iranian Football Team

Funny story written by Jaw

Tuesday, 22 August 2006

image for US to 'Render' Iranian Football Team
Bruce Arena arriving at a press conference held earlier today

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims his country has evidence which proves the US is using its World Cup Squad to hide a CIA Rendition team which is under the leadership of School of the Americas alumni, Bruce Arena.

Whilst President Ahmadinejad refused to be drawn into giving details of all the evidence Iran claims to possess, a summary of that evidence was released to members of the world's press. The key section in that summary document compares official photographs of some members of the current US squad with pictures of known CIA operatives taken from files declassified by Iran's intelligence forces.

Along with Arena, Landon Donovan, Eddie Pope, Eddie Lewis and Carlos Bocanegra are accused of developing careers as football professionals to provide them with cover for multiple rendition missions conducted whilst touring with the US soccer team.

The president claims that Arena intends to use his team to render the entire Iranian squad for subsequent interrogation. It was also claimed that US Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld and Vice President Dick Cheney have sanctioned the action because their intelligence suggests that Iran intends to smuggle weapons grade nuclear fuel, purchased from a republic of the former Soviet Union, inside a special radiation-proof container disguised as an Adidas Teamgeist ball.

Security at US team base is extremely high and though it has previously been assumed that this was to protect the squad from terrorist attack, some are now claiming that the very high level of security is actually needed to provide the privacy required for Arena and his team to plan and train for a rendition attempt on the Iranian squad.

Arena vigorously denied the charges at a press conference held in Hamburg. "I've never attended the School of the Americas. I'm not an operative of the CIA. My team and I are here on behalf of the American people to bring home the World Cup not a nuclear football."

Ahmadinejad has instructed the Iranian squad to burn US flags at the beginning of each training session and he said "If the American infidels want to steal our ball or our players they can expect a fight."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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