Ask Simon Cowell

Funny story written by Dorry McGuire

Sunday, 24 July 2005

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Simon Cowell answers questions that any aspiring musicians may have.

American Idol's evil judge Simon Cowell answers your music-related questions in quite a brutally honest way. This week we have a letter from a young teenager. Here is what they had to say.

Hey there Simon,

I am a 15 year old boy from Long Island, NY who is trying to learn more about music and what the advantages and disadvantages of being a famous chart-topping singer are. My older sister Theresa who is now 24 took a music course in high school, and that's mainly what got me into this in the first place. I was wondering, do the winners of American Idol have as much responsibility as people say they do? My girlfriend sometimes says that Kelly Clarkson pays as much as $2,000.00 per song on her albums, and I was wondering if that was true and if so, how do they get through it, especially if they don't have that much money? I also want to know how these American Idol contestants deal with your extremely harsh comments at times. You sometimes get 'em good, it surprises me. Do you plan what you're going to say, or does it just come out? Sometimes you sound like you rehearse your lines. Last but not least, I've been reading some things on the Internet about you and Paula being a couple. Is this true as well? Hope to hear back from you!

Keep on bein' honest,

Eric Slater

Here's what Simon had to say about this.

Dear Eric,

First of all, yes there are disadvantages of fame, and we all know it. Just ask Clay Aiken. He has complained more than once about some fans camping in his mother's yard. That seems off the wall, yes, but people are crazy. As far as the money and responsibility issue goes, you bet they pay that much. Some stars out there pay much more than that just to record one song. Ruben Studdard's Flying Without Wings/Superstar single costed $5,250 in total just to record. Ah yes, I see you've noticed my quite brutal honesty toward the contestants. They all handle it differently. John Stevens from Season 3 was unbelievable! I sometimes felt extremely horrible after some of the things I said to him, but it was amazing how he took everything so well! On the other hand, you may remember Mary Roach from this year's Season 4, her reaction was completely appalling! As for the rehearsal deal, the answer is simple - NO! Those are my true feelings and no less. If I say someone is really horrible, it means I think they're really horrible, and if I say terrific, it means I thought they were terrific, simple as that! About the Paula Abdul thing, this one really cracked me up when I read your letter, don't you ever see the news? Paula and I never got involved, in fact my very secret personal life was spilled the very day this year's Idol tour started! It was appalling, really! Anyway I'd be better off forgetting that, and I'll just say good luck, I hope your dreams of fame come true, and I hope you enjoy it!

Don't hit a bad note,

Simon Cowell

Follow up:
Eric Slater did end up getting famous, but not in the way he originally wanted to. Soon after getting his response letter from Simon, Eric Slater became known as "the boyfriend of that psychotic girl that was caught flirting with anything she can get her hands on". He wasn't too proud of that, but he took it pretty well.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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