We Got a Lemon

Written by Chuck Terzella

Tuesday, 9 December 2003

As you may remember, a short time ago President Bush called me, thinking I was Colin Powell after apparently misdialing a phone number. I figured that was the end of it, but thank god for technology. This morning I was scrolling back through my phones call history and found a 202 area code on my incoming calls. On a whim, I hit redial.

"Good morning there, this is George W. Bush, the President of the United States of America, former Governor of the Great State of Texas, devout Christian, reformed drunk and all around good guy speaking. Who is this please?"

I didn't want to get into that so I said, " Gee, Mr. President, do you always answer the phone that way?"

"No, I just started. Condi Rice thought it would be good positive reinforcement if I mentioned all the good things in my life every time I could. What do y'all think of it?"

"Uh, brilliant idea. Did you think of that spiel all by yourself?"

"Sure did.", he said proudly, " Laura thought it was a dumb idea and Tony Blair just moaned,' oh god, what have I done?' and hung up on me, but I think it's great. It really seems to work. I'm ready to get back on the horse and tackle another day."

"Whatever works, I always say. Listen Mr. P., I wanted to clear up a few things if that's alright with you."

"Shoot.", he replied.

"Please don't say that," I shuddered, " you're a bit too literal for a comment like that. Anyway, I saw your news conference a couple days ago. You said that former Iraqi army and foreign terrorists are responsible for all the attacks in Iraq."

"That's true, they are."

"Whew, I was worried it was the Vienna Boys Choir or something. I gotta say, you do have knack for stating the obvious."

"Thanks. I always say, if it ain't obvious, I don't know what it is."

"I can sure believe that. Let's move on. What about the California fires?"

"Isn't it great?"


"Well, think about it. Now I can get Congress to let the loggers clear cut everything west of the Mississippi to cut down on the fire threat. That way, if the forests are gone, the animals are gone and if the animals are gone..."

"then no one will care if you let the oil companies drill.", I finished for him.

"There ya go. When life hands you lemons..."

"...you make lemonade?", I finished again.

"Is that how that saying goes? I always wondered about that."

"Right. Next, the Mission Accomplished banner back in May?"

"That was the Navies idea. I had nothing to do with that."

"The decision to go to war?"

"That was the CIA's idea. I had nothing to do with that."

"Faith Based Initiatives?"

"That was God's idea, I had nothing to do with that."

"Tax Rebates?"

"That was my idea. What do ya think?"

"It certainly helped the economy.," collapse, I thought to myself.

"Thank you, that's real kind."

"Last one: how do you rate your chances in the next elections?"

He exploded. "Don't talk to me about elections! Elections are just focus groups! The Supreme Court and my brother Jeb are the only things that matter. If I lose the elections then the Terrorists have won! Now you've gone and ruined my good mood!", He paused to catch his breath., "Who did you say you are again?"

It was time to go. " Mr. P., I won't keep you any longer, I know you've got a lot to do, but do you mind if I call you again sometime?"

"Well, sure, anytime. You've got my number."

" I sure do."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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