Eating out....With Phrank Phraser

Written by Phrank Phraser

Monday, 25 August 2003


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Standing impressively in a car park on a modern retail park, The Snack Attack Eat n’ Go had our mouths watering the moment we arrived. The menu – although not extensive – was adequate enough to suit the tastes of even the most picky eaters.


The eatery, which owner Mavis Ramsbotham told us had just had an extensive refit, now boasts an outdoor seating area for eight diners. “First we re-painted the caravan,” explained Mavis, “and then we bought some plastic furniture. Of course, you can still stand up and lean on the counter if you prefer.”


We chose to be seated. The tables were clean with brightly coloured parasols providing customers with ample shade. Also provided was a good selection of condiments with the minimum of gunge clinging to the rims and lids of the sauce bottles.

Radio Two

The strains of Radio Two played softly in the background as we browsed the menu. For starters, my wife and I both opted for the spicy tomato mug-o-soup which was peppery hot and was brought promptly to our table by Mavis’s son, Albert. The soup was fine, but the croutons could have been a trifle crunchier. All in all, though, we both agreed that it had been a wise choice.

Chelsea 2..

When it came to ordering our main courses, for me it was a toss-up between the bacon and tomato on French, or the sausage and egg on brown.
After pondering for a few moments I chose the former. I was not disappointed.

Fulham 0

After a lot of oohing and aahing, my wife finally gave in to the lure of the quarter-pound burger with cheese, with an extremely generous portion of chips for accompaniment served in a white polystyrene tray. We decided to share them.


My bacon was cooked to perfection and the real tinned tomatoes were sweet and delicious. Smothered in thick, wholesome brown sauce, it went down a treat. It has to be said, though, that the bread was slightly over chewy. However, this was only a slight blip on an otherwise perfect sandwich.


My wife’s burger was, she remarked: ‘griddled perfectly’, and the cheese slice more than adequate. The chips were freshly cooked and unpretentious. Superb, we both agreed.


For drinks, I ordered tea which arrived piping hot in an un-chipped mug. In all honesty, it was slightly (and I mean only ever so slightly) overbrewed. This apart, it would have been a champion brew.


My wife opted for a carton of fruit juice with a little red straw taped to the side. It was slightly tepid but ‘full of natural fruit flavour’, she told me.


For dessert, I couldn’t resist a Penguin biscuit; it was as good as any I’d eaten anywhere, and my wife, this being her birthday, went to town and ordered a whopping thick slice of fruit flapjack. She described it as ‘orgasmic’.

Stella Artois

The whole experience cost us just £7.22 pence. Extremely good value, we both agreed.

Feeling Full

We drove away from the eatery feeling full and content and promising ourselves that we would return for our wedding anniversary in two month’s time.

Short Paragraph

It can’t come quick enough. Lovely stuff.

Food ****
Service ***
Value *****

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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