Following hot on the heels of her worldwide smash hit, 'Swagger Jagger' former X-Factor contestant, Cher Lloyd - described by schoolmates as 'a rat-faced pikey bully' has been offered £5 million to for fuck's sake shut up!
An FFSSU spokeswoman told reporters that the offer had been made on humanitarian grounds, adding that it would be well worth £5 million to get the 'deluded little shit' to for fuck's sake shut up, and refrain from torturing people's eardrums with her faux rap crap.
A representative from Egos Anonymous expressed concerns over the deal, however. Elton Bono-Geldof, of EA, told reporters:
"It's just wrong to offer an artiste £5 million to 'for fuck's sake shut up.' It plays havoc with the ego, and we're left to pick up the pieces. It can take years. FFSSU should find something more constructive to do with their available funds."
In what is rapidly escalating into a war of words, the FFSSU spokeswoman warned that FFSSU would go to any lengths necessary to protect the public from earsplittingly terrible faux rap, especially when performed in a Malvern accent.
"We can run to £20 million if necessary," she told reporters. "The fact is, we have a bit of a guilt complex about previous failures to get artistes to for fuck's sake shut up. We allowed the likes of Girls Aloud, Beyonce, Michael Bolton, Michael Buble and Olly Murs to slip through the net. We're not prepared to tolerate that with Cher Lloyd. We have a duty to protect the public's earholes. And the bottom line is that she is fucking terrible."
The latest rumour concerning Cher Lloyd is that she is currently indisposed in a secret hideaway having her ego gently massaged by a Thai ladyboy with an unusually large cock.
Although this has yet to be confirmed.
More as we get it.
