Local man, part time satirist and full time waster, Martin Shuttlecock, who according to his schoolteachers "would never amount to anything much" came out with this amazing statement as he took a break from digging out a subterranean ten room extension to the Shuttlecock homestead.
After extending the depth of the hole to ten inches in three days, Shuttlecock "came over all soulful" and decided to spoil himself by playing a tune.
"I'm not sure what made me do it," Shuttlecock explained to a disinterested passer by, who completely ignored the pork pie hat wearing moron. "But I got on You Tube and searched for Millie Jackson singing 'Loving Arms.' It came up and I played it. It's a song I recall from my youth, and by the cringe, can that woman sing. As far as I'm concerned, she's all the way up there with the top female vocalists of all time. Right alongside Gladys Knight and Aretha. The ones they've got these days, your Rihannas, Gagas, J-Los and Beyonces might look the part, but basically, they can't sing for shit. Millie Jackson still tugs the heartstrings to this day, as does the late, great, Gil Scott-Heron. They just don't make 'em like that any more."
At which point, Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, took him gently by the elbow and tenderly escorted him indoors.
"I think he's a bit disillusioned," she explained. "I think he's finally coming to grips with the fact that digging out a ten room underground extension is way beyond his capabilities. So he regresses into the days of his youth, when he prowled the streets of Manchester looking for all the world like he owned the place. He'll get over it. Senile melancholia, I call it. Come to think of it, Millie Jackson was an outstanding singer, but my Martin's just a daft bastard. Whichever way you look at it. He'll be all right when he's had a nap and taken his pills."
More as we get it.
