American Idol Sends Jacob "Ebenezer Baptist" Lusk Back Home To The Congregation

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 6 May 2011

image for American Idol Sends Jacob "Ebenezer Baptist" Lusk Back Home To The Congregation
A group of people getting ready to go into the American Idol Theater.

HOLLYWOOD - And in the words of American Idol Host Ryan "Peaches" Seacrest, "And then there were four."

Jacob Lusk of Compton, California is the latest contestant to be eliminated from American Idol.

Seacrest told the AI studio audience that they had received over 60 million votes.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Or as my good friend Larry King texted me 60 million votes from 19,461 people.]

iGossip's Taffeta Kixx remarked that in the ten seasons of American Idol she has never seen so many tears shed on the AI stage.

She noted that Adam Lambert sound-alike James Durbin has already shed more tears in the past four weeks than Brett Favre, Glenn Beck, and John Boehner have cried since January 1, combined.

Durbin said that a lot of it is allergies. He noted that he is also allergic to spray on tanning spray which every one associated with American Idol wears, even, amazingly enough Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson.

"Peaches" Seacrest confided to Taffeta that judge Steven "Lips" Tyler even put the spray on tanning spray on his pecker. When she asked him why Seacrest replied that Tyler told him that for some reason it helps him when he goes number one.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I have never, ever heard that one before. But then again you do have to consider the source. "Lips" Tyler has French kissed the three Kardashian sisters, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney all at the same time. Now that takes some talent.]

Lauren "Big Peaches" Alaina the 16-year-old from Georgia found herself with Jacob Lusk in the Bottom Two. And "Big Peaches" Alaina stood there under the bright lights and cried and cried and cried.

After coming back from one of the commercials the camera focused in on her and the white of her eyes was totally red. She later said that her bra was totally saturated with tears.

She whispered to Ryan that he needed to keep an eye on her because if she fainted she wanted for him to catch her before she hit the hard floor.

Seacrest, whom Alaina outweighs by 150 pounds, told her that there was no way that he could catch her and if she started falling he was sorry, but that he was just going to have to get the hell out of the way to save his skinny little ass from getting crushed.

Lauren smiled and whispered that she understood.

Ryan then uttered those three infamous little words, "Dim the lights."

The music started playing and J.Lo's eyes started watering up. Randy's lower lips started quivering, and Steven flipped the pages of the latest edition of the Rolling Stone.

And then "Peaches" Seacrest announced that the person going home was...Jacob Lusk.

Lusk asked Ryan if he could pass around the collection plate to help pay for his snacks bill and Seacrest informed him that he was sorry but that American Idol rules strictly prohibited that.

Next week the four remaining American Idol contestants will be singing the hits of Liberace.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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