"What am I, a saint?" moans Mary, mother of Jesus of Nazareth. "Why do these sketch artists and sculptors keep stalking me, trying to reproduce my image on canvas and stone? Their flashing torches are half-blinding me!"
The non-material girl, also known as The Madonna, has been made accidentally famous by the notoriety of her oldest son, Jesus Christ, the long awaited Messiah of the Jewish people. While her CD sales skyrocket, she laments that fame isn't always what it is cracked up to be.
"The stories these tabloids make up about me are ridiculous. Yes, I do consider the Star of Bethlehem my Lucky Star. and Yes, I was a virgin when God the Holy Spirit came rested upon me. I conceived and gave birth to the God-man, my loveable oldest son Jesus. That's stuff is all strange but true," said Mary.
She continued, "But now I read that I am a 'perpetual virgin,' whatever that means. So what does that make my husband Joseph, the patron saint of cold showers? Goodness, do you people ever bother to read the Bible? I had kids after Jesus. Many sons - including James of the ‘Epistle of James' fame - as well as several daughters. Sheesh. Joe and I are married - as in one flesh - MARRIED."
The miffed Madonna ranted, "Blessed among women? Sure. Blessed among reporters? Now that's another story. These guys are always dropping to their knees begging for an exclusive with my son. Let me repeat myself: I AM NOT THE MEDIATOR BETWEEN MY SON AND ANYBODY! If you want to talk to Jesus, call upon him yourself."
While her closest friends laugh at the misfortunes of instant celebrity, The Madonna is concerned about the sin of idolatry creeping in among God's people.
"I read in The Roman Enquirer that people are suddenly seeing images of my face in tacos and on toast. It's preposterous. With these Popeparazzi sculptors cranking out statues of me - does anybody but me remember God's ban on graven images? - the next thing you know these Madonna figurines will start bleeding or something goofy. What's next, t-shirts of me with Jesus as a baby that read ‘Like A Virgin' or worse, ‘Who's That Girl?'?"
Mary's recent worship CD rocketed to number one, with her Magnificant topping the hip-hop, pop, and country charts. Her fans say it has a good beat and it's easy to worship to.
The Madonna admitted that she loves the success of her recent recording project but warns the fuddled faithful, "Fix your eyes of Jesus, the author and finisher of the faith. Like I said at the wedding at Cana, ‘Obey my Son!' This is about Him, not me."