Mo'Nique Shaves Legs, Donates Result to Locks Of Love

Written by anthonyrosania

Saturday, 29 January 2011

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It's nice to see the first 7-11 in Pakistan using new-age Movable Marketing to promote their store.

When hirsute fatsack Mo'Nique brings her Academy Award in for it's weekly polishing and cake frosting removal, she'll be doing so weighing just a few pounds less: She's broken he 20-year pledge of fetid horribleness and shaved her legs.

But it's not because she wanted to look less like the world's fattest Ubangi washerwoman: She did it for charity, donating the shavings to Locks Of Love, a charity who uses donated hair to create wigs for cancer patients.

"When I see those little cancer kids walking around without hair, it makes me cry," said Mo'Nique during a visit to the Evita Peron Memorial Cancer Victim Quarantine Center. "They all look so ugly, walking around looking like little Yul Brenner action figures, all whiny. Bleeech."

Locks of Love released a statement about Ms. 'Nique's donation: "We are so thankful that Mo'Nique mailed us a Hefty bag full pubes that smelled like KFC and pee. It was like a homeless person's ball-bag. However, we will find some little kid -one with low self-esteem- to foist a smellypube wig onto."

Mo'Nique hopes to help the kids by making their day a little less die-y.

"They do so much complaining. 'Waah, my bones hurt,' 'Waah, I can't eat solid food,' 'Waaah, Mommy said I won't live to see Christmas.' This wig will shut them up for a little while, at least."

Mo'Nique had some loving words for the little ones before leaving for her standing twice-daily reservation at In-and-Out Burger, "Don't cough on me, you little f--ker. If I end up with Leukemia, I'll sue your parents into the Bronze Age."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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