ABC Looking At Old Reliables Like Mickey And Donald To Anchor News

Funny story written by Neil Levine

Monday, 15 August 2005

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Hollywood---David Westin, President of ABC News, has begun looking at some old Disney war horses as potential replacements for irreplaceable and immortal Peter Jennings.

Mickey Mouse was the first in-house veteran interviewed for the job. As a steamboat captain, boat builder, Sorcerer's Apprentice, fire fighter, Gaucho, delivery boy, magician and long time intimate of Walt himself as well as winner, again, with Walt of an Oscar or two, he has years of experience in all the wrong fields. "Wait until next year," Mr. Westin suggested. "Lot's of good jobs are right around the corner."

Donald Duck, another long time Disney veteran was also seriously considered for the job, but again, he may be a jack of all trades, but he has mastered nothing, although with a distinct sssstuttterrr he has a handicap that qualifies him under the Americans with Disabilities Act, but again he is a multi-talented multi-media multi-dimension all star but not particularly up on his news. He couldn't name the current incumbent in the White House nor did he know what WMD stood for. His guess was a toothpaste or laundry detergent brand. "Your day will come," Mr. Westin told him. "Your star will shine as bright as ever in the Disney galaxy."

Then there are Minnie, Daisy, Huey, Dewey (but not Louie), The Three Pigs, and other long time Disney veterans who all were kindly considered but turned down for being inappropriate. The Big Bad Wolf was also considered, possibly as a fill in when the news got really, really scary, but HR at Disney had trouble clearing his security status and his background check came up all red flags.

Goofy, I must warn, was ruled out immediately.

So where is Mr. Westin going to turn? To whom can ABC look in its time of need?

If you will recall, and even if you don't, over the years the national networks have tried everything from multiple anchors to bi-coastal setups to guests in the broadcast booth to breaking in new comers with related experience and Mr. Westin's Rolodex has phone numbers for Howard K. Smith, Frank Reynolds, Harry Reasoner, John Chancellor and Barbara Walters, for some reason listed as Baabaa Waawaa.

If experience is any guide and the Michael Ovitz job selection process any guideline, the public at large can expect a surprise of intergalactic dimensions.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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