Tired of cheating men and failed marriages Canadian country songbird Shania Twain and everybody's favorite TV sweetheart Valerie Bertinelli kicked off the New Year by marrying each other. The 5 bridesmaids consisted of a 900-pound Kirstie Alley who unfortunately gobbled up the entire buffet-table thinking it was the appetizer portion on the biggest "f***** cracker you ever saw".
The couple's engagement was the best kept secret of 2010. The wedding ceremony ended up being officiated by the drunken ghost of a dead Charlie Sheen who earlier had run over the designated wedding commissioner with his Mercedes. Following his expletive-laden "I Dos", Charlie waved his credit cards and yelled: "Bring on the slutty hookers" then lost it completely and puked all over the wedding cake.
Fortunately all was not lost as it turned out that the cake was a dummy - given that Shania is virtually macrobiotic and Valerie is on a strict 100 Calories-A-Day orders from her Weight Slashers contract.
Posing for photos following the sunset ceremony a much-slimmed down Valerie declared:
"I lost over 500 pounds eating all my favorite foods and I'm so glad I could get into my bikini for the wedding".
And how do you feel Ms. Twain, asked your reporter to which the physically fit songbird leaped skywards with her air guitar and crooned:
"Man, I feel like a woman"
Both ex-husbands were present at the wedding. When asked whether there was a similar future for them together, the ex-Mr Shania and the ex-Mr Valerie just looked into each others designer (eye) shades and smiled mysteriously.
Charlie's ex Denise Richards, that Wild thing hanger-on, cried copiously -just happy to be in the limelight telling reporters it was a beautiful ceremony and "I would have gladly been part of a threesome if I had been invited by the happy couple"
