Oprah Winfrey Talks Candidly About Her Weight Gain, The Lesbian Rumors, and Demi Lovato

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 19 December 2010

image for Oprah Winfrey Talks Candidly About Her Weight Gain, The Lesbian Rumors, and Demi Lovato
Oprah Winfrey (R) on her recent trip to Lower Zamgola. (Photo courtesy of...you guessed it - Gayle King).

CHICAGO - Oprah Winfrey, who is considered The Undisputed Queen of Talk Shows no matter what GOPalinista Rush Limbaugh may say sat down at her mansion in The Windy City and talked openly about open-ended subjects.

Winfrey, 56, spoke with Indigo Felina Boobaroo, senior reporter for the Chicago publication Chicago From The Gosh Darn Get Go.

Miss O, as she is called because of the letter in her first name and not because of her shape as the semi-hate mongering Madonna once remarked, reflected on her fantastically fantastic career (her words).

She said that she remembers, as a little toddler of two growing up in Mississippi, picking up ugly ass-looking rocks and trying to sell them for $7 to middle-class Caucasian folks saying that the rocks were special magical rocks that if you put in your wallet would automatically double whatever dollar bills you had in said wallet.

Little O, as her grandmother LaVondella "Freckles" Goldenwater called her, managed to sell a total of two rocks. She took the money and bought her grandmother four bottles of Ripple Fa Shizzle Ma Nizzle Wine, which "Freckles" absolutely loved because she said "Da mofoin' wine it do kick sum sumbitch ass I'ma tellin ya uh huh."

Winfrey addressed the weight problem by saying, "Hey y'all, now lissen up, dis here sista just loves ta friggin eat food, and what da hell can I say. I tried doing dat eating and den throwing up route but dat just makes one hellacious mess.

I tried da Ex-Lax route and honey child lemmy just say dat, dat has got ta be's da flat out dumbest idea dat any cracker honkey has ever come out wiff. Hell child, ya end up spending hours and hours just a-sittin on da damn toilet uh huh."

The talk show queen then got around to talking about the persistent rumors about her and best friend Gayle King being lesbianites.

Oprah shook her head, she got a tear in her eye, blew her nose, scratched her groin region, and replied, "Now dose rumors 'bout me and 55-year-old Gayle bumpin biscuits and such is nuttin but pure effen lies.

I mean think about it y'all. What kinda possible satisfaction could dis big old mama possibly get from merely rubbin my big old crotch crumpet against da big old Brillo pad of another big old mama. Huh? Tell me? Well I tells ya. Nuttin'. Abso-friggin-lutley effen nuttin' or nada as da Hispaniacal vatas (gals) in East L.A. sez."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Readers, Abel and I both agree that neither one of us has ever heard the word 'Hispaniacal' before. We both looked in up in three different dictionaries Websters, Funk & Wagnalls, and Lollyanna and we could not find the word. We both believe that Oprah either made it up or simply mispronounced the word Hispanic.]

And in regards to sweet little Demi Lovato Oprah disclosed. "Lemmy me just say dat when I said dat da li'l Spanish seƱorita needed ta get her pico de gallo puckerooni (butt) into rehab, I said it wiff love, affection, and a hidden unmentionable deep down desire dat I choose not ta go into at dis time thank y'all bunches."

In news coming out of France (pardon the pun). The tremendous 9.7 earthquake that hit Paris luckily did not cause any fatalities. Unfortunately however, the Eiffel Tower is now sitting in the English Channel.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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