CBS, who took the bold step of trying to recreate The View for people even stupider than Elizabeth Hasselback, if such a person could exist, has found 'The Talk' is ratings-Kryptonite, driving away viewers in droves.
As first revealed on Thespoof, The Talk, an estrogen-fueled sh-tfest hosted by CBS President Les Moonves' girlfriend Julie Chen, was created to replace 'As The World Turns', the soap opera your Nana watched over your grandpa's shoulder when your mom was conceived.
Joining Julie Chen is fugly lesbian Sarah Gilbert, Ozzy's mother Sharon Osbourne, super-famous 'Hangin' with Mr. Cooper' star Holly Robinson, Scientologist Leah Remini and some big fat moose who appeared on Broadway.
"The Talk is absolutely lousy with relevant, topical discussion and fantastic guests," said Richard 'Dick' Pump, who, with Gilbert, is co-executive producer of The Talk. "Next week we'll have Donna Anderson, who played Whore #3 on an episode of Law & Order, Dr. Gadget, and that fat Mexican girl from Barney that always overacted and sang off-key."
"Unfortunately for CBS, daytime viewers have stayed away from this show in droves," said movie critic Calabrisella Rosania. "But, I mean, what's Les Moonves going to do, fire his girlfriend?"
The Talk is routinely beaten by such competition as "Annoying Bitch, Starring Nancy Grace", "Al Roker's Life After AIDS", and commercials for personal injury lawyers, credit repair agencies and automotive mechanic schools.
"We stand behind our decision to air 'The Talk'," said CBS CEO Les Moonves, who met girlfriend Chen at A1 Asian Massage, a tugjob joint near Times Square. "And I think that CBS doesn't make mistakes when it comes to programming, with the possible exceptions of Creature Comforts, Family Dog, Fish Police, This is America, Charlie Brown, Eyewitness to History, Eye to Slanted Eye with Connie Chung, The Egg and I, Hotel Cosmopolitan, Portia Faces Life, Woman with a Past, Armed and Famous, Fire Me, Please, The Greatest American Dog, Pirate Master, Tuesday Night Book Club, Eleventh Hour, Nash Bridges, Simon and Simon, Walker, Texas Ranger, Special Report: Journey To Mars, Lamp Unto My Feet, Harper's Globe, The All-New Popeye Hour, As Told By Ginger, Birdz, Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, The California Raisins, Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines, Drak Pack, Flying Rhino Junior High, Gilligan's Planet, Help!... It's the Hair Bear Bunch!, Hey Vern, It's Ernest!, Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling, Long Waith & Short Jackson, Marsupilami, The New Ghostwriter Mysteries, Partridge Family 2200 A.D., Project G.e.e.K.e.R., Pryor's Place, Sabrina, the Animated Series, Secrets of the Cryptkeeper's Haunted House, Shazam!/Isis Hour, Sushi Pack, Tennessee Tuxedo and His Tales, Trollz, The U.S. of Archie, The Weird Al Show, The Wuzzles, Card Sharks, Hollywood's Talking, Game Show in My Head, Match Game '73, '74, '74, '76, '77 and '79 (Match Game '78 was awesome!), Power of 10, Tic-Tac-Dough, Whew!, Your Surprise Package, Arthur Godfrey and His Friends, The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour, 3 lbs., The Bradys, The Brotherhood of Poland, NH, City Hospital, Climax! Mystery Theater, Crazy Like a Fox, The Dukes of Hazzard, The Education of Max Bickford, Enos, Hack, Joan of Arcadia, Medical Center, Moonlight, Picket Fences, Studio One, Touched by an Angel and The White Shadow."
The Talk will be put out of its misery by January, 2011.