Written by Belinda Michaels

Thursday, 7 July 2005

image for Jolie Adopts Ewok
Chewbacca Tattoo-Coleman

Actor Angelina Jolie flew into Planet Endor yesterday to sign adoption papers for the latest addition to her family - an Ewok.

Two time divorcee Jolie, 30, told Hyperspace The Official Star Wars Fanclub that the Ewok was a descendant of Wicket, the hero in 'Episode VI Return Of The Jedi.' Already fielding offers for convention appearances, Jolie wanted to make it clear that she was a mother first and an agent second, with home wrecker being a close third.

The UN activist said the Ewok's full name was Chewbacca Tattoo-Coleman and joins her 3 year old Cambodian son Maddox in her ever expanding family.

Jolie, one of the world's most beautiful nut jobs, has admitted she needs to hone her 'Jibberish', the native language of Ewoks. On a more serious note, Jolie said that in the late eighties she a owned a jacket made out of Ewok fur. A gift from her actor father Jon Voight, Jolie says the jacket was typical of her father's insensitive nature and a catalyst for a rift that has lasted to this day. Jolie has vowed to protect Tattoo-Coleman from the spotlights of not only the media but the fur hunters as well. Like elephant ivory, the fur of Ewok continues to fuel an illegal multi million dollar a year trade, despite a global ban since 1984.

Ewoks, often mistaken for online cooking pans, are playful and obedient but are sometimes rough. They are energetic and fearless and this, perhaps, explains their fascination with the occult and the black arts as so clearly seen in 'Jedi', with their bizarre obsession and rituals with droid C-3PO.

Tying her hair into Princess Leia style buns, Jolie was confident that Tattoo-Coleman would be a great companion for Maddox and a fantastic hunter gatherer for her clan. "You should see the spears and knives my little man is flying out!" she exclaimed. "I'm vegetarian though so we'll have to resolve a few things first. Do I look like Leia?," she asked before turning her hand into the shape of a gun and making several laser noises.

Chewbacca Tattoo-Coleman arrives at Kennedy Intergalactic Airport next Tuesday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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