Dan Brown's next novel to focus on "gay" founding fathers

Funny story written by Rob Norman

Sunday, 19 June 2005

Philadelphia, PA -- Dan Brown, the controversial novelist that brought the world such blockbusters as The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, announced today that his latest novel will expose the "blatant homosexuality" practiced by the Founding Fathers of the United States. "Not that there's anything wrong with that," interjected his publicist during the press briefing. "Mr. Brown's novels have exposed Opus Dei, the Catholic Church, Freemasonry, Nasa, the National Security Agency, and even the lineage of Jesus Christ himself. It's time he took a crack at the Founding Fathers."

Brown's new novel chronicles the activities of five of the most significant architects of our country from the Boston Tea party through steamy summer nights locked in the confines of Carpenters Hall that led to the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Secret rooms in the Philadelphia underground, the first openly gay tavern, and the origins of Betsey Ross' rainbow flag are all exposed in a style that can only be Dan Brown.

"It's a twisting and turning adventure of gay life in the seventeen hundreds," Brown said. "The origins of this country are deeply rooted in the gay movement." In his book, Brown asserts that the real reason the Founding Fathers sought to establish independence from the British was more about fornication that taxation. "It's all there in the novel… a torrid adventure of rich white men in powered wigs and tight pants fighting for freedom," Brown explained to critics.

Gay activist leaders reacted negatively to the announcement by branding Brown a homophobe bent on exploiting man's long history of love for his fellow man as just another ploy to extort money from the gullible American people. Republican leaders were also in an uproar regarding Brown's challenge to what they called "traditional American values." Senate Republican Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) labeled Brown an "agitator determined to break down the last fabric of decency that remains in this country." When challenged on his comments by leaders of the Log Cabin Republicans, Frist quickly added that some of his best friends are gay and that his comments were taken out of context. "Not that there's anything wrong with it," he added for the record. "I guess I'm just a little concerned about the message, but you have to remember that it's all fiction, right? I mean, it's a novel after all."

Brown's new book is scheduled to appear in bookstores in time for Independence Day.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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