Justin Bieber today announced plans for a startling career move away from the music industry and into the Application Development Department of technology giant Apple (the firm responsible for the 2009 epidemic of ear disease in youths, which spread after the iTunes push in sales of Eminem albums.)
Mr. Bieber, who has never fully recovered from an unfortunate incident with helium at the age of nine, is set to enter the Apple iPhone App Market with his debut app 'Dog Whistle' this Friday at noon. Naturally the teenage hearthrob will star as the voice of the app - as he was the only candidate with the ability to produce a pitch dogs can hear, but which remains above the range of human hearing, therefore creating no noise pollution (a first for the youth).
"It's all I've ever wanted to do," insisted Mr. Bieber in a press conference this afternoon. "Ever since I was little. I always had this dream in my head..."
News of the move comes directly after a recent court scandal in which Mr. Bieber's nineteen year-old ex-girlfriend (who, understandably, asked not to be named) was accused of paedophilia when she was papped kissing Bieber outside a Burger King earlier this year. It took four months for Bieber to amass enough identification for the court to accept that he was over twelve years old. However, the most controversial twist in the tale came when it was discovered the lady in question was homosexual and had mistaken Bieber for a "fellow" lesbian.
"I don't have anything against homosexuality," Bieber told The Spoof in a private interview. "Love is love, right? It's just...well, I'm not a lesbian. And as far as I know, I never will be."
More as we get it, readers. And don't forget to download the Dog Whistle this Friday, especially since it has multiple recordings for additional uses. Want an easy, effective way to punish your pet for not crossing its back legs? Thanks to Bieber, there's an app for that.