Written by Thibarine

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

image for World's Saddest Superstar - Keanu Reeves - Accidentally Spends his Birthday in a Warehouse instead of a Whorehouse
A lifetime of heavy smoking has done nothing for Keanu's complexion.

Action Hero's Sandwich Vendor Opens his Heart to this Reporter.

Ever since achieving worldwide fame with the Matrix trilogy, Hollywood Superstar Keanu Reeves seems to have descended into a world of greyness.

Countless "Sad Keanu" websites have sprung up to picture him sitting on a park bench in old jeans, with unkempt hair and greying beard, staring forlornly at a half-eaten sandwich.

Reeves is known to give all his money to charity and gets his clothes from thrift shops and recycling bins. He is often photographed looking dishevelled, loitering beside "No Loitering" signs.

His local sandwich shop told this showbiz reporter: "Keanu's a regular customer and we're getting a bit worried about him, he's so miserable. He'll come in and asks for a cheese and tomato sandwich, then ask us to hold the tomato. And the cheese. Once we tried to tempt him with rocket and parmesan on rye, but he turned it down because he couldn't handle the excitement. On his birthday we insisted on giving him a brightly-coloured cupcake and he promised he'd give it a go."

Friends tried to brighten up Keanu's day by booking him a 46th birthday treat in a San Fernando whorehouse, and he gamely set off armed with the cupcake and a packet of fags. By a bitter twist of fate his satnav accidentally directed him to a warehouse, where he spent the day smoking disconsolately among forklifts and stacks of cardboard boxes.

Even the movie offers are drying up - his last role was as a monosyllabic alien named Klaatu in 2008. A Hollywood source told this reporter: "Keanu has been trying to get a third Bill and Ted film off the ground for a couple of years, but he's a little ripe to reprise the part. Frankly, he looks older than Wayne Rooney. Between you and me, these days all his roles are going to a younger, cheaper fruit loop - Chris Klein."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Keanu Reeves




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