Written by Nick Hobbs

Sunday, 22 August 2010

image for Derek Acorah In Multi-Million Pound Divorce Battle
Sam, is that you?

Entertainment spookster Derek Acorah has entered into a multi-million pound divorce battle with his partner Sam.

The Liverpudlian faux-medium has been with his Ethiopian partner for nearly 2000 years, when they met in a former life.

The relationship was frowned upon at first, as same-sex marriages were unacceptable in the village where the two lived. They spent every moment together, and finally won over the critics.

Derek was brutally stabbed whilst stealing bread, however and later died at the scene. This left Sam alone for nearly 1950 years, when one night, after Derek had been reincarnated as the buffoon he is today, the two made contact through the art of spritual nonsense.

With their love affair reignited they lived a great life from this point, often touring various theatres and raking in lots of peoples hard earned money for telling them fictitous things they wanted to hear, from long lost loved ones, and an awful lot that made no sense at all.

The gifted couple even secured a slot on Living TV's Most Haunted where they felt right at home bullshitting the public with made up tales of possession and 'very bad men' doing 'dispicable' things in times gone by. They were now houshold names.

However, all was not rosy in the rose garden. For the price of stardom and fortune always comes at a high rate of inflation.

Sam's drinking had begun to spiral out of control and Derek had spouted so much rubbish over the years, that he'd started to believe his own hype.

The rot had set in. Bobby Flemming, a close 'friend' of Mr Acorah, told us "Ooo, dearest, I must say Derek was a shadow of his former self. That bitch Sam really took him down, an' I don't mean like that, ooo you are naughty..."

The couple were often found arguing in hushed tones, and the growing animosity even spilled over on to the set of Most Haunted. During a live show, Derek had a huge spat with Sam, much to the obvious embarrassment of the crew.

"We hadn't scripted this, or rehearsed it. When Derek and Sam started going at one another, it took us all by surprise," said Karl Beattie, producer and co-presenter of the comedy classic.

The two were asked to leave the show shortly afterwards. They remained together for the sake of the money, and continued touring theatres and finding new and ingenious ways of deviously extracting money from vulnerable people.

But the love had gone. Sam began seeing male prostitutes and hanging out in bars, often sending Derek 'mental pictures' of his lurid sex acts.

And so it has come to pass that the great TV partnership of Derek and Sam, is to be no more. Derek has filed for divorce, but Sam has made a claim for 'a substantial amount' of Dereks earnings.

"Because Sam is still officially in the spirit world, Derek is claiming that money will be of no use to him," we were told by divorce expert Elizabeth Taylor, "but Sam is rightly insisting on a claim to half their earnings, plus a substantial annual payout for living expenses."

The courts will decide over the next few weeks who will be entitled to what, but it is with a sad heart that we say farewell to one of televisions most fantastic couplings since Eric and Ernie trod the boards, or Sonny and Cher delighted us with skits and songs, or Ant and Dec died in that wonderful 300 ft bridge collapse, live on 'I'm A Celebrity...' (or so Sam tells me).

Who knows when they'll be back on our screens, and in what capacity?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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