Ashley Tisdale Suffers Chipped Tooth in Hog Jaw, Arkansas Karaoke Bar Melee

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 20 August 2010

image for Ashley Tisdale Suffers Chipped Tooth in Hog Jaw, Arkansas Karaoke Bar Melee
Ashley Tisdale performing Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up."

HOG JAW, Arkansas -- Something sure did happen Wednesday night at Laverne Langford's Double Diamond Karaoke Bar near Hog Jaw, Arkansas, but just exactly what that was depends on who you're talking to.

25-year-old Ashley Tisdale told a police officer that she was on her way home from a camping trip in the Oachita National Forest when she noticed a roadside karaoke bar, so she decided to pop in and belt out a couple of songs just to get back into the swing of things.

She said she was doing "absolutely nothing wrong" when she became the subject of an unprovoked attack by six drunk, underage girls from Hog Jaw.

Paris Gilkey, 17, one of Tisdale's attackers, said, "What? She said she wasn't doing anything wrong? She was doing everything wrong! That's one of the worst performances I've ever seen, and I've been coming here since I was 13! She was annoying, and I told her so. Then, I punched her in her stupid face!"

Tammy Fae Hunkapiller, 14, added, "Yeah, then [Tisdale] was like (in a mocking voice): 'And you, too, are also quite annoying as well, I might add. For your information, this is karaoke night, so perchance if you don't like it, then you should not have presumed to have come into this establishment thereof.'

"That's when I spit at her, and she like, comes over and tries to scratch me with her fingernails!"

After that, Tidsdale said that all six girls attacked her.

Gilkey and Hunkapiller, as well as Cindi-Beth Fitzpatrick, 11, Sharpay Abernathy, 15, and Maddie Beardley, 16, claim they were not drinking, suggesting the officer listen to Tisdale's off-key vocal stylings if he wanted to know who was really drunk.

Tisdale quickly pointed out that she has a reputation as an alcohol-free lame-o. Nevertheless, Gilkey said it was ultimately Tisdale's perfomance of Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up that started the fight.

She said she would rather get Rick-roll'd than face listening to Tisdale's interpretation of the English singer/songwriter's generic 1987 hit again.

"This is our town, anyway," said Gilkey. "We do what we feel like, to who we like, when we feel like it. We'll kick her ass again, if we wanna!"

"Now, now," said the officer, and urged the girls to put some shoes on and run along home, as it was getting close to bedtime.

He suggested Tisdale ought to do the same - unless she wouldn't mind taking off her shoes at the police station for a more personal investigation.

"Back off, creep!" said Tisdale. "I'm only 25!"

"Wait, weren't you in a high school musical or something?" asked the officer. "Sorry. I thought you were much younger! My mistake. Have a nice day, ma'am."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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