HOG JAW, Arkansas - Well sad to report that The 147th Annual Civil War Re-Enactment of The Battle of Hog Jaw Creek ended on kind of a somber note this year.
The original battle was fought on August 19, 1863, between the members of The 13th Arkansas Volunteer Irregulars who fought off the invading Yankees of The 99th Massachusetts Cavalry, The 71st Michigan Artillery, and the 103rd Pennsylvania Infantry.
Local Hog Jaw hometown boy Colonel Dupree "Cottonballs" Buffetcorn commanded the 13th Arkansas Volunteer Irregulars.
Colonel Buffetcorn is the great, great, great grandfather of Hog Jaw native Rufus "Sudsy" Buffetcorn, who is married to the lovely and pleasantly plump as the dickens Loretta Jo Funnydott.
The colonel was noted for never wearing socks, underwear, or deodorant. He said that it was natural for a man to smell like a man and not like some dad burn Yankee carpetbaggin' tenderfoot.
Colonel Buffetcorn was also one of the heaviest drinkers in the entire Confederate army. It is said that old Cottonballs could drink a fifth of whiskey in about two minutes; three minutes if he included an order of nachos.
Written reports by noted Civil War photographer Matthew Brady say that Colonel Corny, as his men affectionately called him on several occasions got on the wrong horse and once rode into battle backwards.
When the Union troops saw him they started laughing so hard they could not take aim to shoot their rifles and they ended up surrendering at the now famous Battle of Hog Jaw Creek.
Every year that battle has been recreated. And this is the first year that Rufus "Sudsy" Buffetcorn has been allowed to be the one to fire the Hog Jaw cannon during the battle re-enactment.
Mayor Humphrey Dumpty had been against it from the very beginning seeing as how "Sudsy" like his nickname implies can flat out put the 'moonshine' away.
But some of the townspeople urged the mayor to let "Sudsy" fire the cannon this year since after all he is a direct descendant of Hog Jaw's most famous War Between The States hero.
Mayor Dumpty and high school principal Elmer Chickabiddy, III, instructed Buffetcorn on exactly how he was to fire the cannon. They told him to be sure and point the cannon away from the downtown area and out towards the picked over cotton field.
"Sudsy" said that it was a piece of cake. The mayor got up and made a speech. Then Deputy Sheriff Skippy Appleweather made a speech, and then Dr. Titus Patootie, the animal doctor made a speech.
Well by now "Sudsy" had managed to put away about a six pack of Lone Star Longnecks. The mayor announced that it was time for the Southern army boys to come out and face the Northern army boys in the plaza on Main street.
He asked Buffetcorn if he was ready to fire off the cannon. Buffetcorn replied that he was and that he could hardly wait to shoot him some damn Yankees.
The signal was given and "Sudsy" stood up and almost tripped over one of the cannon balls. No one had noticed that he had turned the cannon around and it was not facing the picked over cotton fields but was now pointing smack dab at the Cornbread Movie House.
"Fire!" came the command from Mayor Dumpty.
"KA-BOOM!!! Boomed the Civil War cannon. And a fifteen pound cannonball fired out and hit the corner of the Cornbread Movie House tearing off about ten feet of structure.
Movie House owner Elmer Fiddlefaddle, who was standing next to the mayor went up to Buffetcorn and yelled out, "What in tar nation is wrong witcha, you damn alcoholic white trash, redneck, hillbilly, hick?"
"Sudsy" looked at him and replied, "Now looky hehehere Elmer I ain't nono hick. Hicks do not kiss their own cousins. And wwwwho da hell took my bebebeer any hows?"
The mayor asked Deputy Sheriff Skippy Appleweather to put the handcuffs on Buffetcorn and take him down to the jailhouse before the Annual Civil War Re-Enactment ended up in a lynching.
As he was being led away, "Sudsy" asked if they were going to read him his rights. Deputy Sheriff Appleweather replied, "Hey Rufus, ya know this here is Hog Jaw, this ain't no big city like Fayetteville or Pine Bluff, now shut the eff up before I take out my taser and taser your drunken ass all the way down to the jailhouse."
SIDENOTE: Rufus "Sudsy" Buffetcorn was released after spending an hour and ten minutes in jail. His insurance company Mutual of The Ozarks has agreed to pay the $2,895 in damages. Plus Buffetcorn has to attend AA meetings over in Little Rock and promise to never again attend another Hog Jaw Civil War Re-Enactment of The Battle of Hog Jaw Creek.