Elisabeth Hasselbeck Tears Up Defending White Privilege

Funny story written by manbrad

Saturday, 14 August 2010

"The View" co-host and privileged white person Elisabeth Hasselbeck fought back tears today as she once again defended the point of view of America's privileged white, wealthy minority. Today's tearful performance was not the first for Hasselbeck, an alleged college graduate who has single handedly given new life to the "Dumb Blonde" joke genre.

The outburst was precipitated by one of the hundreds of sensible, non-confrontational remarks made by one of her co-hosts, or perhaps the show's guest. Hasselbeck, upon hearing something that most average Americans inherently agree with, immediately regurgitated something she probably heard from Bill O'Reilly or maybe her husband. When the original contention was more fully explained to her Hasselbeck retreated into repeating her original talking point but at a higher, more emotional, pitch.

The former Survivor contestant, who has never had a real job or missed a meal, often insists that she "tries very hard" to keep up with the issues. But her inability to think critically about her positions often leads to her becoming frustrated when she tries to defend them. Recent "View" guest and deeply disturbed hatemonger Ann Coulter, on the show to promote the remake of "The Seventh Seal" in which she portrays Death, attempted to give Hasselbeck some tips for defending herself. "For starters, don't defend, OFFEND," said the angry wraith. "Split hairs, quibble, change the subject, but never address the issues. You'll always lose."

Hasselbeck, who returns 913,000 hits in the Googled phrase "Elisabeth Hasselbeck is an idiot," has no problem playing the priggish moralist despite her past career of appearing nearly naked modeling bikinis and other revealing swimwear. The very attractive co-host, who makes above a million dollars a year for sitting in a chair for 60 minutes a day and making Paris Hilton look like Alfred Einstein, often laments the decline of hard work in America. Having declined the military service for which she is eligible, Hasselbeck vigorously defended the Bush administrations misadventures in Iraq and Afghanistan while sitting in an air conditioned studio and wearing a $1000 dress.

When former "View" co-host Rosie O'Donnell was asked for comment she stated, "She's probably the stupidest bitch I've ever met and would feel right at home with Adolph Hitler but she and I are best friends. Really."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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