Justin Bieber "Not My Son" Confesses Mallett

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Sunday, 11 July 2010


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No, Beadle's NOT About!

Floppy, tousled, baby-faced pre-pubescent pop plaything Justin Bieber has lived up to his perfect role model image up to now all through his astonishing meteoric rise through the celebrity tween stratosphere, writes Dan Desperate, Celebrity Cash-In Hackwork Correspondent.

Only last week, late British moral guardian Mary Whitehouse revealed in a ouija board message to a Chichester psychic group that Justin "is just the kind of lad I'd be proud to let my daughter walk out with, if I'd had a daughter and was still alive".

But now the celebrity maelstrom is churning, and threatening to sweep Justin into the heart of its vicious vortex and take him down to Davy Jones' Locker, where the likes of Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus and Nana Mouskouri are struggling under the pressure of their tarnished images.

For, according to a source close to a torrent of tittle-tattle and a gaggle of gory gossip, Justin Bieber is facing a real family image crisis that threatens to truly threaten him as only the threat of a real family image crisis can threaten him with its real threat of a real family image crisis real threat crisis.

According to our source, who is close to all the talk about a real family image crisis threatening Justin's hitherto immaculate clean-as-a-babe's-botty baby-faced boy role-model image, a real question is being asked about Justin's parentage!

It was all so different for smiling rag-haired chocolate-lovely dolly-boy Justin, even as recently as recently.

While Disney's former anodyne bimbette protege Miley Cyrus has started strutting skankily in vagina-revealing skimpy corsets in a poor impersonation of Lady Gaga and Britney, and is bending lower and lower to corner the carnal lust market, Bieber has seemed to be above all that kind of notoriety.

Justin's mother, Patti Mallette, recently claimed that he was a virgin and intended to "stay pure, and honour women, and treat women with respect". Justin himself expressed his credo even more eloquently when he said:

"I'm, like, so, like, busy right now. Plus it's, like so hard to, like, find, er, the time, to, er, what was I saying? Oh yes, it's, like, so busy what with touring that, er, like, it's hard to find the right girl who wants me for me and not for her for me. It's like, so hard to like like a girl if she likes you not for who you are but for who she thinks she might think she wants you to be. It's definitely hard. You gotta be careful."

But such cleanliness, such innocent, child-like babbling might be irrevocably dirtied, if our source, who is close to even more of this drivel, is correct.

Here is the shocking truth, as revealed by our source.

Patti Mallete split from Justin's father, former children's TV 'personality' Timmy Mallett, a few years ago, and she has been bringing up Justin alone since then. Only last week, Timmy Mallett claimed that he was "proud of Justin. He's the fine young man I always wanted to meet, sorry, be. I look forward to the day when he has his own kid's TV show and inherits my big glasses. He's made for the role."

But now the happy family scenario could be trashed irredeemably. For in a text allegedly sent by Timmy Mallett to Justin, the ageing ridiculously-bespectacled prancing queen said "I'm not your Dad. I was pretending to be your Dad. I used the similarity of our surnames in a pathetic attempt to hitch a ride on your fame. Sorry lad. Tim."

So there you have the revelation from our source, who is close to the revelation. It remains to be seen whether Justin Bieber can weather this storm. The smart money says he will. But no doubt there are other, more powerful, storms out there, gathering, above the vast ocean of celebrity dangers.

In a related revelation, it has emerged that Justin's ex-squeeze, Caitlin Beadles, is NOT the daughter of late ITV 'Beadle's About' prankster Jeremy Beadle.

The scurrilous rumour, that Justin's dash to be with Caitlin last August when she had a boating accident was a Wild Goose Chase, and that when Justin got there, Jeremy Beadle's old camera crew were there, and the whole thing was a prank perpetrated in honour of Jeremy Beadle, - it has been revealed that this rumour is a mere squib of unfounded gossip.

So Caitlin has been vindicated, which is more than can be said for poor Justin, just yet.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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