Sources in the Eastern European Republic of Romania have informed us that the latest instalment of the Twilight saga movie franchise, Eclipse, has bombed spectacularly here in Romania, and frequently plays to empty houses in movie theaters.
It is believed, by Hollywood executives, that the Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart/Taylor Lautner publicity machine has ground to a halt in Romania, a nation plagued by scrounging gypsies, vampirism, and a crap economy, because they have better things to concern themselves with than anaemic looking Hollywood actors. Or CGI generated hairy ones.
"This indifference has nothing to do with the fine young cast, the excellent scripts, the outstanding production values, or the fact that our country is awash with real live vampires and werewolves," Blart Buttsniffa, the Mayor of Bucharest told our man. "It's basically because most of our citizens don't have a pot to piss in. Given the choice between putting food on the table and teen idolatry, most of our citizens would opt for the former."
"That's bollocks that is," countered Romanian farmer Wensleydale Tripleducklip. "We don't want to watch silly Hollywood claptrap about vampires and werewolves here because we've got enough of our own. And they're real ones. They're all over the frigging shop. You can't go out after dark around here no more - and it costs a fortune buying silver bullets, wolfbane, garlic and crucifixes. I'll tell you this pal - if I want to get the willies put up me by vampires and werewolves, then I'm not going to squander my hard-earned on some Hollywood knobheads when all I have to do to see the real thing is leave a window open."
In response, Eclipse producers have vowed to release an exclusive Romania-only print of the movie, which will show Robert Pattinson's cock, Kristen Stewart's tits, and Taylor Lautners bollocks.
"Sorted!" one producer triumphantly announced.
More as we get it.
