HOLLYWOOD - America's Got Talent has just entered into its fifth season and we can safely say that we have just witnessed without a doubt a person who is the sickest, stupidest contestant to ever set foot on the AGT performing stage.
The fellas name is Jeremy Kinison, no relation to Sam. He goes by the nickname "The Genital Daredevil." When asked how long he has been doing his act, Kinison says that he started performing his genital fire act as soon as he reached puberty.
He pointed out that he has performed the amazingly idiotic feat a total of 189 times without so much as singeing one pubic hair.
Jeremy gave the show's censors quite a workout as they struggled to put hazy colored square panels on the screen to avoid revealing Jeremy's family jewels or probably in his case the family briquettes.
"Dufus" as most of his friends and relatives call him asked AGT host Nick "The Stick" Cannon to assist him in his act. The husband of Mariah Carey hesitated saying that he did not want to because he did not want anyone to get the impression that he was gay.
Finally after some major league coaxing Cannon relented. "The Genital Daredevil" got his pants crotch all set up and then he asked Nick to take his cigarette lighter and proceed to light his groin region (Jeremy's not his).
Nick clearly could be heard mouthing the words "Hell no! Cracker is ya totally outta your mind?"
"I said light my mofoing crotch you skinny ass Jamie Foxx looking (blank).
Upon hearing that racial expletive, Cannon walked over, lit the lighter, and ran towards the side of the stage where he normally stands.
Jeremy, "The Genital Daredevil" started hopping and jumping around like an Australian kangaroo who had just eaten some red hot molten lava.
He suddenly started screaming like that obnoxiously obnoxious American Idol reject Tatiana Del Toro. One of the shows security guards quickly ran backstage, got a fire extinguisher and sprayed Jeremy with it's entire contents.
As Jeremy was laying on the stage floor, Nick asked Sharon to get her old British ass up on stage and give the man CPR.
"Are you effen kidding me Nicky?" she hollered.
"You Piers come on up here dude and help out this fella."
"Are you bloomingly crazy Cannon." Morgan shouted.
"Okay Howie you come up on stage and give this guy CPR."
Howie hollered back, "No sir! Not even if the friggin son-of-a-bitch was my own grandmother!"
Finally the producer brought in a homeless man that had been standing outside the theater entrance and the man gave Jeremy CPR. And "The Genital Daredevil" came too. His boxer briefs were still smoldering, but he seemed to have most of his faculties.
So it turned out to be a good news bad news story. The good news is that the homeless man succeeded in reviving Jeremy and the bad news is that photos of the two making out will no doubt be posted all over the Internet.
In a related story. After the show, Hollywood police arrested Jeremy Kinison and charged him with unlawfully causing a fire in his pants, endangering an audience, disregarding the safety of Mariah's husband, and acting like a complete, total, and utter jackass.
