A nationwide police hunt has been launched for Jedward after reports that the pop superstars have disappeared off the face of the earth.
An ashen-faced Simon Cowell emerged from his luxury holiday home in Cleethorpes to issue a heartfelt plea to John and Edward:
"Look, I know we've had our differences in the past but the bottom line is that there are millions of people out there who simply do not want you to be found."
Detective Inspector Juliet Bravo told this reporter: "Sadly, we have to face up to the possiblity that these much-loved Siamese twins may simply have disappeared up their own arsehole."
Jedward were last seen at the Brit Awards, selling ice-creams.
Pop guru and Jedward mentor Louis Walsh left a Westlife concert in tears last night. As did 10,000 music fans who had paid 25 quid each for a ticket.
Ironically, the disappearance of John and Edward and the resultant publicity could rekindle their pop career.
Their new single "Gone but not Forgiven" is riding high in the charts, just outside the top million.
Last night, their latest album - entitled "Never Mind the Bollocks, We Haven't Got Any" - moved up 12,000 places in the charts.
But the twins are unlikely to grab the top spot in the album charts, as there seems to be no way to halt the runaway success of this week's biggest-selling album - Steve Brookstein's Greatest Hits.
