HOLLYWOOD - The gay world's newest member Ricky "Licky" Martin has just stated that he has signed on to star in an episode of The Vampire Dairies.
Martin will star as Elena Gilbert (Nina Dobrev's) long lost cousin Alphonse Du Chateau who arrives in Mystic Falls with three closely kept secrets.
The first secret is that he has been a closet Republican all of his adult life. Alphonse breaks down and cries to Elena that he voted for Senator John "Silly Comb Over" McCain.
He notes that no harm was really done since the 97-year-old senator from Arizona lost anyway.
His second secret is that he had a deep rooted desire to dress like that horrible-looking carnival freak Amy Winehouse.
He said that he did not ever feel the urge to get any horrendous tattoos like she has, but just the idea of dressing like an indigent gypsy was enough to make him want to throw up his Lobster Newburg, frilly French fries, and sidesaddle salad.
And Du Chateau's third secret was that he was a closet fan of that game show Wheel of Fortune. Alphonse said that ever since he was in grade school he has had a strange desire and fascination to write letters, especially the vowel "E" all over Vanna White's then perky tits.
To see graphic pictures of old Vanna White's 'then perky' tits log on to www.vannawhitewhenhermelonswereperky.sux