In an effort to make more money from premium rate telephone lines and pointless quizzes in the advertisement breaks in between, Simon Cowbell today announced his new talentless show series.
"Crap Idol", "Crap Factor" and "Britain's Got Crap" will run back to back on a Saturday night from 6.00pm through to 11.pm, so as to maximise the revenue, and will seek to find Britain's worst talent, Britain's lousiest singer and Britain's worst girl band, although the latter faces hot competition from existing girl bands.
The first prize in each competition will be a gold-plated toilet for installation in the room of the winner's choice, as well as a cheque for £10 and gift vouchers to the value of £20,000 for high street shops Borders, Zavi and Woolworths.
Launching the new talentless show, Mr Cowbell said he was determined to broaden the spectrum of television appearances for all people, and seeing as so many who auditioned from his other shows were so pitifully dreadful, he felt they deserved a second chance to make total fools of themselves and make the television viewer cringe with embarrassment. He also said that he wanted to make more money.
As he said himself, "Purely and simply the best ever reason I have had this month for a new television series and making even more money from the hapless voting public. Please do not read after this paragraph, as you may be charged, even if you haven't reached the end of the story. And reading this story from a laptop could be considerably more expensive than reading it from a desktop PC".
The four judges confirmed for the series are Shane McGowan from the Pogues, who knows a lot about drinking, Disrespect MP George Galloway, who brings a vast and valued knowledge of absolutely nothing to the programme, Obediah Obalungu, one of the 4,173 sons of the deposed Nigerian Oil Minister who knows a lot about the $25,000,000 he wants you to put through your bank account and the late Michael Jackson, who although not with us any more in body, knows a lot about singing and dancing, so will be judging, like Shane McGowan, in spirit.