LOS ANGELES - Young Taylor Swift picked up in 2010, right where she left off in 2009, winning awards.
The native of Pennsylvania won the Favorite Female Artist Award. When Taylor went up to receive her award she kept glancing to the sides as she was giving her thanks.
Prior to the televised festivities Taylor had been assured that if Kanye West came anywhere near the podium three security guards had been instructed to taser him immediately before he got within ten feet of her.
Taylor had also been assured by Toby Keith, who was sitting in the front row, that if he saw Kanye even attempt to make his way towards the stage he would hit him so hard that all of his bling bling would end up in the street in front of the Nokia Theater.
Later in the show Taylor sang her brand new single entitled, "He Said He Loved Me And Proved It By Rotating My Crops."
After the award show a reporter for Hollywood Happening Weekly asked her what she was looking forward to most in 2010. Taylor's eyes got big and she said that she was really excited about the fact that she was going to get to drive her band bus more than she did last year.
She grinned and pointed out that now that she actually has her driver's license she does not have to worry about being stopped by the police like she did all last year.
Mariah Carey won the award for Favorite Rhythm and Blues Artist. She had to be helped up to the stage by her husband, the host of America's Got Talent Nick Cannon, because the dress that she was wearing was so tight that the audience members could actually see that the diva was quite well-endowed 'down there.'
When she was asked how come she has put on so much weight lately Mariah simply smiled and replied, "I think that they call it food."
Ellen DeGeneres won an award for Favorite Talk Show Host. She thanked Oprah for telling the award committee that she wanted to take herself out of the running so that the tall, skinny, gay, white girl could win it.
When Ellen went up to get her award she told the viewers that she wanted to dispel the rumor that she wears men's underwear.
She then said that the rumor about her watching wrestling matches on TV and scratching her crotch are however true.
Jackie Chan did not win anything but he has really gone down hill. He was dressed like a hotel busboy. In fact, Chan said backstage that he had actually made $35 in tips.
Motion picture actress Ginnifer Goodwin wore a very strange dress. It looked like she had sat down on a just painted zebra portrait.
And Jessica Alba wore a dress that she said she had purchased at Wal-Mart. It was a guacamole-looking green dress that looked like it had exploded in the hips region.
Alba said that Toby Keith was eating a bag of Frito's and he dipped one of the chips on her dress thinking that the guacamole was real.
Several presenters stated that Taylor Swift wore way too much makeup. Ellen DeGeneres told her that she looked like LeAnn Rimes with a Revlon overdose.
And the lead vocalist for the band Paramore, Hayley Williams was the winner of The Ronald McDonald Lookalike Award. Ellen said that actually Hayley's hair was much redder than Ronnie's.
Johnny Depp received the award for The Favorite Movie Actor of The Decade. Which is great because now maybe he can afford to dress up a little bit.
Depp looked like he had just gotten into a fight with a pit bull. He had over sized torn jeans, an over sized torn shirt, and over sized torn hair.
Country music icon Dolly Parton was supposed to have appeared in person to receive her life time achievement award but couldn't make it.
Her manager said that a bumble bee had bitten Dolly on her 'right one' and it had swollen up pretty bad.
Her 'left one' was okay, the size of a bowling ball, but her 'right one' had swollen up to the size of a regulation NBA basketball. It was not a pretty sight.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Well actually it was a pretty sight, but it really wasn't a pretty, pretty sight. I hope that makes sense because if it doesn't then I am going to have to cut back on my drinking a little bit or a lotta bit.]
