Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Visit The World Famous La Brea Tar Pits

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 20 November 2009


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image for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Visit The World Famous La Brea Tar Pits
A rather sad looking La Brea Tar Pits canary. (NOTE: Before he flew into the Tar Pits the little fellow was bright yellow).

LA BREA, California - One of the most identifiable couple on the planet, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson took some time off from their busy schedule and promotion for their new motion picture The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

The popular couple has already visited Disneyland where there are as yet unconfirmed reports that Donald Duck goosed Kristen.

The bubbly couple, who recently were the special guests of Hugh Hefner at his Playboy Mansion, had dinner at Grauman's Chinese Theater.

Afterwards the two went out onto the courtyard and noticed that Kristen's hands are the same exact same size as the hands of 1950's sex symbol Marilyn Monroe.

Robert then remarked to Kristen that Marilyn's mammaries (hooters) were a wee bit on the much bigger side than hers though.

Kristen was able to get back at Robert by telling him that she had noticed that Warren Beatty's wiener cement impression appeared to be a might bigger than his.

The lovely couple also visited Universal Studios, where Kristen was allowed to drive the Universal four-car visitors tram.

Luckily the studio has great liability insurance and the three parked cars that she hit with the tram will be repaired as soon as possible.

The elderly couple from Waterloo, Iowa, that was hurt in the incident should both be released from the hospital within the week.

Robert and Kristen also got to stand in the street in front of Ryan Seacrest's palatial mansion up in the Hollywood Hills, just below the gigantic Hollywood sign.

And although they could not see Ryan and he could not see them, he did holler at them with a bull horn from his front door.

Afterwards the two young stars decided that the one place that they had not visited that they wanted to see was the world famous La Brea Tar Pits.

The were given a personal tour by the director of the La Brea Tar Pits, 47-year-old Malcolm Utensilwood.

Utensi, as his employees call him behind his back, showed Robert and Kristen the oodles and oodles of tar found throughout the park. He stressed to them to be careful not to get the tar on their shoes because it will never, ever come off not even with using Goo Be Gone, Gunk Away, or that miracle stain removing product imported from Ireland, 'ey Get Da Effen 'ell Outta 'ere.

Robert asked how old the park was. Mr. Utensilwood replied that the La Brea Tar Pits were 2,837,219 years old. When he was asked by Kristen how he knew that to be so, he replied that he had read it in the park's brochure under the heading: The Park's Age.

Kristen then asked him if the tar was a source of anything useful, vital, and perhaps even remotely important. He smiled and replied that it most certainly was. He pointed out that the tar was an excellent source of methane gas.

He added that it also provided much needed sludge, crud, muck, guck, gunk, glop, goop, and goo. Robert said that he was quite impressed and asked him what the heck goo was.

Mr. Utensilwood replied that goo was just like goop but without the p, if that made sense.

Next Utensilwood turned to the various animals that inhabit the park. He stressed to the two movie stars that if any of the park animals approached them that they were to just stand perfectly still and the animals will just look at them, sniff them, and maybe mark them and then just saunter away.

He was very emphatic in telling them that he did not want them upsetting the animals in any way. He added that the animals, and especially the little ones, were all prone to being tremendously sensitive especially around famous people such as movie stars, sports figures, indicted politicians, and American Idol judges.

Kristen asked what he meant when he said the word mark. Robert laughed. Utensilwood laughed. Robert then told Kristen that if an animal marked her it simply meant that the animal had chosen to pee on her.

She asked why would an animal want to pee on her when there were so many other nice available places in the entire damn park where the animal could pee.

Robert asked Mr. Utensilwood if he could field that question please. Utensilwood raised his unibrow and told Robert that he did not really want to field that question simply because he did not know the answer to that question thank you.

Mr. Utensilwood pointed out some of the more popular park animals as he drove Stewart and Pattinson around the park in a golf cart that had recently been donated by Tiger Woods.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The Redondo Beach golf cart dealership Tiger Woods Used Golf Carts, not the famous golfer Tiger Woods.]

The first animal that Robert and Kristen saw saw was a stilt-legged llama. Kristen asked if the llama was a male or female. Utensilwood bent down to look underneath but he could not tell because of the extensive amount of hair growth.

Out of curiosity, he asked her why she would wonder if the llama was a male or female. Kristen just shrugged her shoulders.

Utensilwood did add that he would wager it was a girl because he heard it complaining about something or other.

"Bastard!" Kristen yelled out.

"Weird-question asking bitch!" Utensilwood replied.

Kristen then asked if the smelly, yucky tar covering the stilt-legged llama was permanent. He turned his head and asked her if she had not paid attention earlier when he told her that almost every animal would be covered in permanent tar, meaning PERMANENT tar.

"Bastard!" Kristen screamed out.

"Close-eared twat!" Utensilwood remarked.

Just then Pattinson said that he had heard enough fighting from the two and that if he wanted to hear stupid, pointless bickering he would go back to his hotel room and watch a Tivoed edition of Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Kristen turned to Robert and said that she wanted to leave because she was tired, worn out, and bored. She then added that if they did not leave and leave now she would probably end up something that she would regret later.

Robert asked her what that might be.

She smiled, took a bite out of her bacon and broccoli burrito and said that she did not want to say but that it included a knife, La Brea Tar Pits tar, and one Mr. Malcolm Utensilwood.

The two Twilight Saga: New Moon stars left the La Brea Tar Pits.

In a related item. Kristen somehow managed to get a little bit of tar on her bra. But she took it off and tossed it into a trash receptacle on the way out of the park.

SIDENOTE: The Kristen Stewart tar bra is currently on eBay. As of noon today, the highest bid stands at $792.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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