Alan Titchmarsh poses for Gardener's Bird

Funny story written by PuddyTwat

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

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"My saplings haven't wilted" claims Alan

Housewives favourite Alan Titchmarsh is set to cause a stir in when he poses nude in Gardener's Bird.

The 57 year veteran broadcaster will show his water features in the magazine's 75th anniversary issue.

Titchmarsh, who insists his surname is not a description, has promised readers a 'real eyeful'.

Said the TV gardener: "It's a bit of a departure for me but Playchick approached me a while ago and invited me to do it. So I thought - why not? My saplings haven't wilted, I've still got me teeth. I'll give it a go."

Unusually the stunt is NOT being done for charity.

"I'm doing it for the money really" confessed Alan. "Playchick are giving me £50K up front which, for a Yorkshire lad like me, is an awful lot of barm cakes."

Playchick's CEO Sally Moyst said: "We're thrilled that Alan said yes. He's an institution and follows other greats such as Len Fairclough, George Alligayah and Brian Cant."

Privately however, Alan's former co-stars on the BBC show Ground Force, were said to be horrified.

Charlie Dimmock, one time queen of the hoe, told a friend: "What on earth does he think he's playing at? He'll make a fool of himself. If Alan wants to up his profile, why doesn't he confess to a cocaine habit like any other self-respecting celeb? I simply don't understand it."

It's a sentiment likely to be echoed by the avuncular star's dozens of fans.

The 75th anniversary issue of Playchick is on sale next month RRP £1.50 or visit www.alans_tits.web

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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