Some Unusual Secondary Country Music Awards

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 13 November 2009

image for Some Unusual Secondary Country Music Awards
Loretta Lynn's grandson Sorghum "Coal Dust" Lynn who has a strange 'big gal' fetish for Wynonna Judd.

NASHVILLE - Taylor Swift, the 19-year-old country music sweetheart, has captured four awards for her work.

The blonde singer from Wyomissing, Pennsylvania won awards for Best Female Vocalist, Best Music Video, Best Album, and Entertainer of The Year.

And the night's spotlight certainly focused on Miss Swift, but there were other lesser awards that due to time constraints were not shown on live TV.

Oklahoma native Reba McEntire won the award for Most Pronounced Country Twang. The 55-year-old Flipper lookalike said that she was proud to have the hickest sounding singing and talking voice in the history of American Country Music.

Sugarland won Vocal Duo of The Year. They also won Country Music's Weirdest Couple of The Year. Jennifer Nettles cannot speak a word of English and sings the group's songs phonetically. Kristian Bush is really only 4 foot 9 inches tall but he wears boots with 10 inch inserts.

The smooth singing trio Lady Antebellum comprised of Dave Haywood, Charles Kelly, and Hillary Scott received the award for Best Menage-a-Trois of The Year.

The term Menage-a-Trois does not have the same connotation in the country music world as it does in the normal sexual world.

In the musical world of country music, Menage-a-Trois simply means three voices beautifully coming together as one. Whereas in the normal sexual world the phrase means [SENTENCE DELETED BY EDITOR.]

Kris Kristofferson won the award for The Oldest Person In The Entire Building. Kris, who is 73, looks 78, and feels 89, said that he was glad to be in Waterloo, Iowa at the Annual Cornshucking and Cornbread-Bobbing Championship.

Everyone was nice and did not bother to correct the silver-haired crooner.

And Kid Rock picked up the award for being The Most Out-Of-Place Male or Female in The Whole Place. Backstage everyone was asking why he was there. No one seemed to know.

Someone finally asked the shows producer and he said that he had no idea but that he had figured that the director had invited him. The director said that not only had he not invited him, he had no idea in hell who the hell he even was.

And the Judds, Wynonna and Naomi (remember them) captured the award for Having The Highest Combined Weight of Any Two Women in cuntry music...ah make that country music (460 lbs.).

Miranda Lambert won The Carrie Underwood Lookalike Award. Many feel that Miranda and Carrie could actually be sisters except for the fact that Carrie is about 35 pounds lighter and she can sing.

Martina McBride won The Shortest Female Singer Award. Sadly no one got to hear her acceptance speech since the podium was in the way.

San Antonio native George Strait won the award for having sung one song more times than any other person had sung any country song in history. "Amarillo By Morning" (17,914 times and countin').

And lastly, or rather finally, Garth Brooks won the award For Performer Who Again Did Not Show Up To The Big Dance.

No farm animals were hurt in the production of this column.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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