NEW YORK CITY - Governor David Paterson has stated that the city of New York will probably go broke before the end of the year.
He has stated that in a effort to save some money he has ordered that Grand Central Station be closed between the hours of midnight and 8 a.m.
The governor has stated that he has received a very nice check from Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa for $17,000.
Governor Paterson said that he has personally taken over the task of saving New York City's ass (butt), figuratively speaking.
He has mandated the layoffs of 200 policemen, 200 firemen, and 18,000 sanitation workers. When told that the trash is liable to stack up two or three stories high, the governor replied, that he didn't give a rat's ass about trash, and that he only cared about saving money.
The governor also stated that he will be implementing a new policy where all of the city's thousands of homeless people will now be required to purchase a "Homeless Person License" for a fee of $200 a year.
He stated that he first heard about this from a cousin of his who lives in Petaluma, California. He said that the city of Petaluma introduced this "Homeless Person License Fee" and in one year the HPLF brought in $391,600.
Another program which will be implemented as well will be a new $2 food tax on Coney Island Hot Dogs. The governor said that every visitor who comes to New York City eats an average of 2.7 Coney Island Hot Dogs during their visit to the "Big Apple."
He then remarked that speaking of apples, he has been in close contact with the city's fruit suppliers and he will be placing a fruit tax on apples, oranges, bananas, papayas, mangoes, and plums, but not on watermelons."
When asked why not on watermelons the governor grinned and said that he would rather not say.
And in a move that is certain to cause a bit of a controversy. Effective January 1, 2010, all New York City cab drivers will be required to have been born in the United States (no exceptions).
New York City cab companies will no longer hire cab drivers who were born somewhere else and immigrated to this country and that includes individuals from Iran, Pakistan, India, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Guatemala, and Switzerland.
The governor added that recent Taxi Cab Research Studies have shown that visitors (customers) spent way too much time trying to figure out what the hell all of these foreign language speaking cab drivers were saying.
And as a result it took away time that the visitors could have been using to shop, eat, drink, or purchase sex toys.
Governor Paterson fully understands that a lot of the accented drivers (as he refers to them) will be tremendously upset, angry, and rather furious.
But the governor is quick to point out that like his good pal President Obama once said, "tough titty said the kitty."
Governor Paterson says that the city of New York has paid the Pittsburgh advertising firm of Buskett & Buskett $50,000 to come up with the city's new slogan: "Please visit New York City before it effen goes bankrupt."