The government of Malawi ordered its entire stock of orphans to be spruced up this week as Madonna was spotted boarding a plane carrying a large designer bag.
"I want them all lined up in rows with fresh haircuts and cheery smiles" said Minister of Information Patricia Kaliati. "It's essential that Madonna sees the very best we have to offer. This is a poor country and we need another school, a university and a motorway service station with a Little Chef. Put the cutest kids in the front and make them wear something heartwarming, like gingham."
Unluckily for Malawi it was a false alarm, says our international affairs correspondent. The sinewy superstar actually touched down in Rio for a meeting with the family of her boyfriend, Jesus Luz. After she realised his mother, grandmother and aunt were all minors, Madge has applied to adopt them.
"We are considering the offer" says the Brazilian Foreign Minister. "After all, this is a poor country and we need more football kit. And Madonna could always use more staff."