HOLLYWOOD - Dancing With The Stars host Tom Bergeron, who is one of the few people on the show who has not come down with the flu, remarked that if judge Bruno Tonioli keeps dancing on top of the judge's desk the shows producers are going to get him a job as a pole dancer at The Gay Caballero Sidesaddle Lush-Lush Lounge in West Hollywood.
The DWTS week saw some interesting goings on. During rehearsal Aaron Carter's professional partner Karina Smirnoff aka "The Ukrainian Firecracker" told him that she had come down with a case of the 'swing flu.'
She remarked that she thinks that she may have caught it from Donny (Osmond), who probably caught it from Lacey (Schwimmer), who probably got it from Mark (Ballas), who may have caught it from Derek (Hough), who thinks he caught it from Grandma (Lee).
The shows director Mason Kippflavor went next door to Walgreens Drugstore and purchased all the facial surgical masks that they had (34) and handed them out to the remaining contestants, the three judges, and to Sharon Osbourne who attends all of the rehearsals and sits in the front row and looks scary as hell without her makeup.
Stand up comedian Zydeco Dupree said that Sharon Osbourne had some nerve attacking Susan Boyle by saying that she looked like an arse.
Dupree said that he has seen Mrs. Osbourne up close and without any makeup and he swears that she makes Amy Winehouse look like a beauty pageant contestant.
He then added that Sharon makes a damn vulture look cute.
Dupree said that he has nothing against Kelly's mama except that he just does not like the way that she cut down his hero Miss Boyle.
The Louisiana comedian said that Sharon's own daughter confided to him off-the-record that her mom is probably the only woman in America who has cellulite on her G-Spot.
When Zydeco asked Kelly how in the world she would know that, she smiled, rubbed one of her 17 tattoos and said that her daddy (Ozzy) had confided that to her a few months ago when father and daughter were having lunch at a Long John Silvers in Tarzana.
Meanwhile the current favorite to win it all is the three-lettered rhythm and blues singer Mya. She and her dance partner Russian-born Dmitry Chaplin, danced to a 70's disco samba that left the audience and the ex-sushi waitress Carrie Ann Inaba with their mouths open.
And the good-looking pair (Mya and Dmitry) were rewarded with the season's first perfect score; triple 10s.
Mya, whose real name is Mya Marie Harrison, and Dmitry, received a standing "O" and Bruno said that the last time he had seen a woman samba like she did the lady had a bowl of fruit on her head (Carmen Miranda).
The 30-year-old Mya, whose father is Jamaican and mother is Italian is very shy, reserved, and soft spoken. When she was asked to comment on Sharon Osbourne's vicious remarks regarding the the sensational Scottish singing songstress Susan Boyle, Mya just smiled and said, "Wow, five S's in a row, I am impressed."
She then leaned forward and whispered "Just between you and I...I really and truly think that (Sharon) Osbourne needs to shut her effen mouth and keep her friggin' comments to her horse face-looking self. I heard what Zydeco said about her and I really feel that he was much to easy on her."
Mya went on to say that on her own show, America's Got Talent that Mrs. O. pretends to be this compassionate, kind, caring individual, but deep down inside she is nothing but a two-faced two-facer who rumor has it, has a swastika tattooed on her arse (ass).
When Sharon Osbourne was asked to comment on what Mya had said about her the old English plow horse just rolled her eyes and simply replied that Mya is just mad because she is bordering on being anorexic and she hates the fact that her eyes, nose, and lips are too big for her face.
And we will give Mya the last word. "Sharon Osbourne with her awful burgundy-colored hair reminds me of what orange-haired Ronald McDonald would look like if he had a sex-change operation."
Tune in for the next installment of Dancing With The Stars, also known as the musical soap opera, 'As The Mirror Ball Turns.'
