Written by MonkeyInTheBath

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

image for Simon Powell: "I eat babies to keep my skin soft and smooth"
Mr Powell's dinner, before preparation with mayonnaise

Simon Powell reveals his beauty tips exclusively to me today. He describes how he is actually 300 years old and only stays alive by eating aborted foetuses daily - "It's really awesome for my skin, it definitely gives me the Z Factor!"

Other tips recommended by the pop tycoon include "never touch dark people", and "insect flesh is much healthier than mammal flesh".

Mr Powell has recently been through a career hiatus, during which he did not appear on UK television for two days in a row. He has since made up for this by starting his own TV channel - "Simon Says Television", in which anything Simon says must be done.

One producer who has worked for Mr Powell for years said, "The c*** won't let anyone else contribute to any of his shows, so why not let him have his own channel, at least to satisfy his enormous ego. For now."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Simon Cowell

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